From the English teacher -- short and to the point
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse." Is everybody clear on that?
To: My Panic Everyone List
Subject: FW: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.
Dear HFAO friends,
I just got an email, below, on my computer from a life time mate, Bob Spooner, warning me about a new spider infection that is spreading across Australia.
No it is not of the computer variety that crawls over your operating system. It is the biological kind where the spider crawls over your hand and infects you with a bite.
Being a fantastic bloke who cares about others he asked me to pass it on. Can’t be too careful he says with his codicil , “whatever bit that thumb is nasty, even though was probably a hoax email”
The good news is , Yes it is a hoax, But the unscrupulous opportunists who feed of confusion are making money selling fumigation services to little old ladies not worldly enough to spot the incredibility .
Despite the email carrying the hallmark signs of a hoax, Australian Museum experts have taken calls from worried residents across the country who believe they have found one of the spiders in their homes. "People are panicking. One couple had already ordered their house to be fumigated when they called us,'" museum naturalist Martyn Robinson said
The best advice I got when I showed this to a another mate was to keep taking my anti-paranoia pills and have more time enjoy life.
(Hope to catch up soon Bob…)
Cheers
Gordon
From: Mary & Bob Spooner
Sent: Saturday, 26 January 2013 1:19 PM
To: Mary & Bob Spooner
Subject: FW: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.
Probably a hoax email but whatever bit that thumb is nasty
Subject: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.
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A homeless street person, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
The old ‘troller tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”
“That's correct,” said the boss.
“Another glass, please.”
“It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Absolutely correct! A third glass.”
He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.”
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The homeless street person tried it.
“It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”
Its a bit long but if you do read it all the way through! It's a good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my iphone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a mobile phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of my entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my iphone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the supermarket or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I used it once when I was standing in line at Coles talking to my wife and everyone within 50 mtrs was glaring at me. I had taken out my hearing aid to use it, and I was talking little loud!
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn when possible. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross roads and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the supermarkets. You would think they could make a decision themselves, but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just leaves me confused. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking stupid, but I never remember to take them with me..
Now when they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
I know some of you are not over 50. but I to sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Senior citizens don't need more gadgets. The TV & the garage remote are about all we can handle.
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On the 'Today' programme on BBC Radio 4 with John Humphries the Broadcaster:
At the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the high cost of entry into Premiership football games – ‘£60 to £100 per game is not uncommon' was the commentary.
An older bloke being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles, (probably at Arsenal or Spurs), to be told, "That will be 10 Quid Mate". "What!", the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"
The chap on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way and a brass band in the Interval, you couldn’t mate!"
John Humphries could be heard in stitches in the background
Referred to as“homo slackass-erectus” the natural evolution of this species occurred when a class of homo sapiens began genetic downward posturing with constant spineless and spasmodic upper limb gestures.
New research has now shown this also caused shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait.
The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function hence you can expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication.
Research on its history shows that this species mostly receives food stamps and full government care.
Unfortunately most are highly fertile.
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A kiwi bloke walks into his crowded local Oz bar brandishing a revolver yelling; "Who's been screwing my wife ?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts; "You don't have enough ammo, mate !"
A lady helps her man install a new computer.As he hits "enter" to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter.
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT - ACCESS DENIED!
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said,'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, It is a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I sincerely apologise, but I'm an idiot and needed company.
You have 2 options...close, or share this to put a smile on someone's face
Find the error, it’s impossible'When Bob sent this to me he said he was told to email it to at least 5 people with the title 'Find the error, its impossible', and when you click 'Send', the answer will be right in front of your eyes!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
Did you know that 80% of UCDS students could not find the error above?
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.
As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By now, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.
By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock,
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile and I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica --- where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of its family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and one by one, they begin to emit a unique sound --- a haunting bird-song that sounds like this:
Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Then, they kick him in the ice hole . . .."
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You didn’t really believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, the devil made me do it!
Baby did you change the password?
Yes honey!
And which is the new one?
Its is the date of our wedding anniversary!
……………………………………..
……. @$#%@ you bitch
Lord God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
God said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So God went to the Blacks. The Blacks wanted an example too and when God said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
They said "We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord tried 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Next he tried the French with an example, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.''Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
That should offend just about everybody except perhaps Lord Buddha . But I am told he was the ghost writer who wrote the commandments for God
You will love this.... Move your mouse near the guy's face and watch him swat you away. You will get sick of trying to beat him in a while.
To impress upon her that she must not leave the car. I walked to the curb backwards, pointing my finger at her in the car saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
A pretty young blond lady walking nearby, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"
