The Black Hole

this is GOOO and Its worth it if you have the web on your phone D .  Play and with the sound on. 

https://www.youtube.com/embed/P5_Msrdg3Hk

Using Actung response to win one-up-man-ship game

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle was saying how lazy the British are.as he told some friends he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days.

An old Geordie man listening nearby mutters.......Way Aye  man....I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day.

The German trucker snorted and said....Oh Yeah....what rig were you driving ?
The old fella replied....... A LANCASTER BOMBER !!!!!!!!!!

~000~

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment: 

79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Don’t stop laughing when you get old, because it makes you get old.

The New Zealand Press...

A guy is at  Auckland zoo with his kids when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's  cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to  pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 
The guy runs toward the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a  powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of  the girl, and the guy brings her to her terrified parents who thank him  endlessly.
Nicky Hager, also at the zoo visiting his family (the simians)  has watched the whole event. Hager addresses the guy , 'Sir,  this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen in my life.'
The guy replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind  bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' 
Nicky Hager says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a  journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front  page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do  you have?'
The guy is embarrassed but replies, 'I'm an SAS grunt just  returned from Afghanistan and a National party supporter'
Nicky Hager  notes all this down then leaves.
The following morning the guy  buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front  page:

SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS  AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
And that my friends, pretty  much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.  HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE
BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

Is making up a lie with a different face?

Henry Oberlander, one of the world's greatest Con-men in a rare interview was reported to have said,

"People will always give you something to get what they want."

Don’t stop laughing when you get old, because it makes you get old.

Little Johnny

The teacher asked the class to use the word   " fascinate "  in a sentence.

Molly’s hand went up and she said, "At my granddad's farm, his pet sheep was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating?"

Sally raised her hand next. She said, "Rock City was fascinated". The teacher said,   "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

But when Little Johnny raised his hand, the teacher hesitated because as we all know little Johnny burns teachers . Finally she decided he could not damage the word   "fascinate "so she called on him.

Johnny said, My Aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!?

The teacher sat down and cried.

I love this little bastard!!!

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!

If you don't read them all at least read FIRST PLACE

Preamble

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. Here are the Stellas for this past year

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps..
Scratch some more...

 

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming Undue Mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
Double hand scratching after this one..

 

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

 

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania - A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor? Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

 

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.... Oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

FIRST PLACE

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on

Old Testament computing....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. was often called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." ( Now the United Parcels Service.)

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,

Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK)

that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

Believe it or not 

Theory of Intelligence

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . .When the herd of Buffalos is hunted, weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection process is good as the whole heard keeps improving with this culling of the weakest members. 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate. As we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates weaker brain cells, so the brain becomes a faster and more efficient machine. 

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Panic Post Email

To: My Panic Everyone List

Subject: FW: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.

Dear HFAO friends,

I just got an email, below, on my computer from a life time mate, Bob Spooner, warning me about a new spider infection that is spreading across Australia.

No it is not of the computer variety that crawls over your operating system. It is the biological kind where the spider crawls over your hand and infects you with a bite.

Being a fantastic bloke who cares about others he asked me to pass it on. Can’t be too careful he says with his codicil , “whatever bit that thumb is nasty, even though was probably a hoax email”

The good news is , Yes it is a hoax, But the unscrupulous opportunists who feed of confusion are making money selling fumigation services to little old ladies not worldly enough to spot the incredibility .

Despite the email carrying the hallmark signs of a hoax, Australian Museum experts have taken calls from worried residents across the country who believe they have found one of the spiders in their homes. "People are panicking. One couple had already ordered their house to be fumigated when they called us,'" museum naturalist Martyn Robinson said

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/news/gory-spider-bite-email-fools-aussies/story-fna7dq6e-1111118166737#ixzz2J3tAettk

The best advice I got when I showed this to a another mate was to keep taking my anti-paranoia pills and have more time enjoy life.

(Hope to catch up soon Bob…)

Cheers

Gordon

From: Mary & Bob Spooner
Sent: Saturday, 26 January 2013 1:19 PM
To: Mary & Bob Spooner
Subject: FW: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.

Probably a hoax email but whatever bit that thumb is nasty

Subject: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.

Please note - some of the photos are far from being pretty !!!!! Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.. forward to everyone This is a new known spider, so please take note  Has been found all over Eastern Aust and heading to WA.  Looks similar to a huntsman. This spider is in all states so watchout.  Not a good look!! Please take note of this spider - it is very dangerous.  Please warn kids and send to every one you know to alert them as well!  This spider is breeding at a rate of speed and is found in more and more houses!!!! Please ensure all the family takes a good look at this spider.......... maybe some should not look at the photos of the person who got bitten on the thumb and the end result....... but  take note of what the spider looks like.  If it looks like a huntsman and you are not sure.......... unfortunately, but for your safety's sake........KILL IT!!!! Spider Day 5  Day 6  Day 9  Day 10  Watch out for this SPIDER:  This is important -please do not delete until you have forwarded it on to anyone here in Australia that you know!!! This info re a new spider from  RED CROSS !

Sensitive Australian Males.

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback Telstra mobile tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly as he hits the concrete slab below.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive kind of stuff!

How to recognize a gay bar

I

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope this helped !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Penguins go to Heaven Too

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica --- where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of its family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and one by one, they begin to emit a unique sound --- a haunting bird-song that sounds like this:

Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Then, they kick him in the ice hole . . .."

 

You didn’t really believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, the devil made me do it!

Cemetery headstones - Some people have a great sense of humour & some have way too much money....

Some people have a great sense of humour & some have way too much money.... Have you seen anything like this?   MEXICAN CEMETERY

CONDOM HISTORY

Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first.

Broomsday

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!' 'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to Hurt!!!!!! 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!' .................................... Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least Mumble . Life's too short not to enjoy Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!

Don’t be too quick to judge

some very funny commercials

Judge’s decision is final

I'm not sure who this woman is,

But apparently she knows you…