Ponder on these

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
 
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls than in a Ford.
 
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

And REMEMBER...."POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

Things to Remember During a War

 

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

Are you living or just awake??

This lovely story is inspiring ..If true it would include a name but consider it is anyway in view of the really great point it makes.

On the first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.  I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, ’Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?' I laughed and enthusiastically responded; 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

“I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day over the ensuing months we would leave class together and talked nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me!

I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody! Can grow older.  That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.’ 

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example.

She understood that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be and that we make a living by what we get. but we make a Life by what we give.

Too Much

Over heard talking in a bar were  two guys in their mid-twenties  .  One  says to his buddy:  "Man you look  tired."

His buddy says:  "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time and I just don't know what to do."

An older fellow with the wisdom of years was sitting a couple of  stools down. On hearing the conversation he leaned over and said to the buddy:

"Marry her mate. That'll put a stop to it. "

WELCOME to 2015:

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
 
Plus
We are SPEECHLESS,
Our Society is CLUELESS,
Our Politicians are WORTHLESS
The Claims by Unions are Ridiculous
and
This is "Priceless".

Food for the Soul

“What day is it,”,asked Pooh

“It’s today,”  squeaked Piglet

“My Favorite Day,”said Pooh

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Statements to make you smile

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many. 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
Procrastinate Now!
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

...."Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."

Lexophiliats walk among us

Did you know a  Lexophilia  is a word (yes you can add it to your dictionary)

It is used to describe those of us who love twisting words,

such as

"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.  OR

“To write with a broken pencil is pointless ."

A competition to find the the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are this year's finalist submissions.

• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A will is a dead giveaway
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the winner of the twisted crop:

              "The Local Area Network in Australia is “The LAN down under”.

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment: 

79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Don’t stop laughing when you get old, because it makes you get old.

Startling News - Speaking of sex

On average, a Canadian man will have sex two to three times a week;  whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.

Speaking of sex, did you hear that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles? 

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?

Advice for an older guy at the gym....

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ....

I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said;

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

PAM AYRES - My Sat Nav

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

Friday’s words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side there is nothing right.

And on the right side there is nothing left.

Thursday’s words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

If you cannot afford a doctor, go to an airport – you get a free Xray and a breast exam and: if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy.

Wednesday’s words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

Dear Paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for Murderers, if you do find one what is your plan?

Tuesdays words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

I didn't make it to the Gym today. That makes 5 years in a row.

Monday words of wisdom from Trish Stevens

If you love someone let them go. If they come back it means no-one else wanted them.

Timeless Quotable

It is Interesting all of these quotes are now in the nostalgia category.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - ZsaZsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

Beer, fishing, golf and sex

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

Amazing New Phone App

To let you put your phone down and pay attention to people talking to you, there now a new free App you can get called RESPECT.