Puns for Educated Minds!

1. The fattest of King Arthur's knight was Sir Cumference. He ate too much pi.

2.I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it was an optical Aleutian.

3.She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4 A pistol confiscated from an algebra class, as a weapon of math disruption.

5.No matter how much you push the envelope, It'll still be stationery.

6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.A midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.

17.A backward poet writes inverse.

18.In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.When cannibals ate a missionary, They got a taste of religion.

20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,You'd be in Seine.

21.A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess  says,'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, and lit a fire to keep warm. Soon It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.A Buddhist refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.A person sent ten puns to friends, to make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

More or Less

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
 
Plus
We are SPEECHLESS,
Our Society is CLUELESS,
Our Politicians are WORTHLESS
The Claims by Unions are Ridiculous
and
This is "Priceless".

Fish out of water

Not sure it is just education system. Rain on man.

Some pick you ups

You might have seen some of these before, but it doesn't hurt to have another laugh!

 

I thought the first one was a bit racy, but ironically it could be listed as a defacement of plain English because -10 * -5  = 50 so the shades grey is a double negative  …lol

Are you living or just awake??

This lovely story is inspiring ..If true it would include a name but consider it is anyway in view of the really great point it makes.

On the first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.  I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, ’Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?' I laughed and enthusiastically responded; 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

“I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day over the ensuing months we would leave class together and talked nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me!

I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody! Can grow older.  That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.’ 

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example.

She understood that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be and that we make a living by what we get. but we make a Life by what we give.

Child's description of a thunderstorm.

A little girl walked to and from school daily. One day as the she was heading home the winds whipped up fast, along with lightning and thunder.

The mother also saw the weather and being concerned for her daughter being frightened and coming to harm, she drove the route to her child's school.

When she saw her little girl walking, she noted that at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

When she drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called,

"What are you doing?"

The child answered,

"I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

~000~

Who said Australians weren't romantic?

of course I love ya' darlin' You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous. I mean every single word

So ya' bum is on the big side,  I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready, There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya', I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya', I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age, Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity, But I know ya' did ya' best

I'm tellin' ya' the truth now.I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy, That you've got dimples on ya' thighs

I swear on me nana's grave now.The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya' dear

Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer.

Food for the Soul

“What day is it,”,asked Pooh

“It’s today,”  squeaked Piglet

“My Favorite Day,”said Pooh

Bet you don’t recall the answer to “The Bus Stop Quiz?”

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.' HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers. I just love happy endings!

Merry Xmas 2013

Merry Christmas everyone .Here is a thought at Christmas

And Please drink responsibly – sit down so you don’t spill any!

If Dogs Worked in Offices...!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven...He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. But before I anyone can get into Heaven.they need to pass a small entrance exam. It will be no problem for you ' Forrest

He responds with, 'It sure is good to be here, sir.. Life for me was a big enough test so I would sure hope that the test isn't too hard. .'

St.. Peter continued, Ok Forrest, the test is only three questions, here you go.

• First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
• Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
• Third: What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

• ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
• ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
• ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Judgment Criteria

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing. Others judge us by what we have done."

- -Henry W Longfellow

Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.' I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh.' See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ....

90 years of compressed living

I just got something from Marg (my wife); an email circulating with 45 lessons of life by Regina Brett, a 90 year old woman.

It got my attention immediately :

It also said, Regina Brett has since added another 5 lessons in her book planned to be published in 2010

I read the piece and many really spoke to me, Inspiring it starts:

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

Before I re-posted it here, I checked the source and found this picture of Regina Brett . Pretty good looking and youthful for 90 YEAR OLD eh?

In another article in the Seniors world Chronicle as Digest of International News and Reports on Aging. and found another piece by Regina Brett where she wrote:

I once wrote the 45 Lessons Life Taught Me, then added five more lessons when I turned 50 in 2006. Next thing I know, the lessons ended up -emailed everywhere. Only someone changed my age. It now reads: "Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old." For the record: I turned 53. In May.

So it seems her 51st lesson that she now  adds is:

"Beware the Internet. It can age you."

But all that aide here is her must read: list to enjoy!!!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

'Saying "You made my day"makes my day.

I've learned....That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.....That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned....That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.....That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned .... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned..... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them..

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned .... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

This was sent by to me by my Canadian mate of 40 years, Larry Maccain

Thinking about Mum .....

My Goodness how true is this.................. * WHY I LOVE MUM *

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed' She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for dinner the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container and put spoons and bowls on the table.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a rubbish bin and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for an excursion, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturiser, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'

'I'm on my way,' she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the basket, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualised the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. 'I'm going to bed.'

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)

Send this to five phenomenal women today... (or the men who love them) they'll love you for it! I just did.

THEN, GO TO BED