Accident At the Marina

While strolling around the Marina this morning at about 7 am, I noticed a character shouting "Death to all infidels" then suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded so I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

A good catholic joke

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my  hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to

Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

Papal Golf

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one Cardinal, Mr. Netanyahu wants a golf challenge match to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jews and Catholics. "

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but having never held a golf club in his hand. he asked "Do we have a Cardinal to represent me?".

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play.

After the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have good news and bad news, your Holiness," he said..

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, but this was the best I have ever played. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect, truly miraculous. I felt like I was 30 years old again.”

"And what’s the bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Phil Mickelson.

Lost on Stairway to Heaven

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.  I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.  "You're bullshitting me, right?   You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"

Turpentine vs. Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.

If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, it'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

Having Nun of that means Priests don’t have it all.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must Confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK...my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party.'

Wisdom from a Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.  She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy". "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking Brick wall!"

Revising Dad's Will

A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said,

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.  Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!'"

In both god and deceptive advertising we trust.

As I was walking home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, etc., and how America is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.   A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

The Value of Proofreading

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, ' We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. '

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't ' been opened for hundreds of years...
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot..

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'We missed theR!
We missed the R!
We missed the R! '

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, ' What ' s wrong, Father? '
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

' The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!

HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man driving on a deserted stretch of highway notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. until
he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

He begins to realize that these signs are for real when he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

Curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. At the end of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He walks to the door and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you, my son?'

'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun then stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
Another nun in a long habit then opens it, holding a tin cup

This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.  SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help and how I can make a woman truly happy.' 

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge'

Amish elevator.....

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'

Eve’s heart to heart with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

“What’s that  Eve?”

“I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and these wonderful animals, But it's very lonely, and to be frank I’m sick of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature who lies, cheat and is vain sand who will give you a hard time.

But he’ll be bigger and faster and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good things to eat. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs too.

He will be witless and childish and like silly card games and knock a ball around.so he will be easily manipulated as he won’t be as smart as you, and will need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows,” but what’s the catch?”

“Well,..... you can have him on one condition.”

“Ok and what’s that Lord? “

“Well, since he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. You know our little secret .....  woman to woman.”

CATHOLIC HORSES

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ...

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Profanity in Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The Vicar said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The Vicar said, 'No shit?'

God on Lawn Care

GOD:     Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.

Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
    It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
    Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

  ST. FRANCIS:
    Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
    The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

  ST. FRANCIS:
    Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
    They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

    ST. FRANCIS:
    Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
    They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
    No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
    Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
    Yes, Sir.

GOD:
    These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

    ST. FRANCIS:
    You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
    What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

    ST. FRANCIS:
    You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
    No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
    After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

  GOD:
    And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
    They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
    Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

    ST. CATHERINE:
    'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
    Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Profound thought for today

The difference between the Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court wear black robes and scare white people.

How did this escape me?

God Moves in Mysterious Ways

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried tutors, mentors, in fact everything,  but nothing worked. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home and went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. This continued day after day and he kept hitting the books diligently. His mother watched and tried to understand what had made the difference.

Finally, Zachary brought home his report card. To his Mom’s great surprise and delight, Zachary had got an 'A' in math. 

She could no longer hold her curiosity and said, 'Son, what was it?

Was it the nuns?'

Zachary shook his head, and said, ”No Mom”..

Well, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Zachary answered, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't  fooling around.'

Happy Easter Everyone

God Bless the Moonrakers

An American photographer was travelling about visiting churches. He was was inside one in Orlando and noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

Intrigued, asked a priest what the telephone was for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.The photographer thanked him and went along his way.

Next stop was Atlanta where at a very large cathedral, it also had a similar golden telephone with the same sign.He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun who told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'OK, thank you,' said the photographer.

In Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.In every church he saw a golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

After leaving Vermont, he travelled to England and arrived at a place called Swindon, To his surprise, in the first church he entered, it had a golden telephone, but this time the sign read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The vicar smiled and answered, 'You're in Swindon now boy, it's a local call.'