Engineered Medical Service

An engineer could not find a job, so he opens a medical clinic with a sign that says

“Get Cures for $50, or Get $100.”

A doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the engineer and earn a quick $100. so he visits the clinic, claiming to have lost his sense of taste.

The Engineer asks his Nurse to bring the medicine from box no 22 and place 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Patient (doctor): spits out the medicine, saying "This is not medicine, its gasoline".

Engineer: Congratulations, you have your taste back. That will be $50 please?

The Doctor annoyed, returns after several days to recover his money, this time claims he has lost my memory and can't remember a thing.

Engineer: Nurse, please get box 22 medicine and administer 3 drops in the patients mouth.

Doctor: "That medicine is for the sense of taste" protests the doctor.

Engineer: Congratulations, your memory is back.. ..That will be $50

After several days the Doctor, now very angrily, returns for one last try, this time claiming his eyesight has become weak.

Engineer : I don't have any medicine for that. Please take this $100

Doctor : But that is $50 note.

Engineer: Congratulations, your eyesight has got better.That will be $50 please?

~0000~

SAFE AT HOME AT LAST–BEATING THEM AT THIER OWN GAME

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch. The I put some terrorist flags in my front garden, one red one at each corner and a black one in the centre.

The local police, SIS and the other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer.

In both god and deceptive advertising we trust.

As I was walking home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, etc., and how America is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.   A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Grandparents’s Answering Machine

Good morning . . . At present we are not home. Please Leave a message after the beep.
beeeeeppp ....

• If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
  in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

• If you need us to stay with the children, press
  

• If you want to borrow the car, press 3
  
• If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
  
• If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
  
• If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
  
• If you want us to prepare a mea! l for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,press 7
  
• If you want to come to eat here, press 8
  
• If you need money, press 9
  
• If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater, start talking ...... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"
  
  

Getting old does always means being a slow thinker

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Girls night out.

Two friends, had gone for a girl's night out - both were very beautiful and loving wives.

However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she used that.

They then proceeded home.

The next day, one husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other's husband and said, 'These dam girls' night out have got to stop - I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says...."From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please
allow me to help.

I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel' she asked? "Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

Innovative Cough Treatment

A Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant
"He wanted for syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him a bottle of laxatives" says the assistant.
"You idiot" you can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too bloody scared to cough"

Heroic Story

On January 9th, a group of Bedford Indiana bikers were riding south on I-65 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Ohio River bridge.  So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts.  You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Wal-Mart Interview

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

  The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'    

  The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

  'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.                         

  'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..

  'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

  'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'                            

  She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

  'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

  Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

  Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

  Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

  'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

  'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already messed my pants.'

  BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

  You'll probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

Finally a cure for Plumber's Butt...

Consultants Spoonerism

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. "If our personnel were better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
' By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' , but I use the spoon.'

'So how's Old' Blue doing, son?'

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!'His Dad says.
'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him In the course.'
So .... His father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' His father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?'Exclaims his father.
'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
His father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,'
The boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
Kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,
'So, is your Daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers,
'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Elvis & Lisa Marie Presley Duet

Elvis died in 1977 when his daughter, Lisa Marie was eleven.

Technology now units father and daughter to sing together.
He sang this song in 1968 and Lisa Marie in 2008.
Long live the King and this technology that keeps him ageless …

Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers one night.
They undress and step into the showers and they realize there is no soap.
Father John says “I have soap room”. Not bothering to dress goes to get it.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back. But halfway down the hall he sees three nuns heading his way, With no place to hide, he just freezes against the wall and like a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once but nothing happens, then twice and three times.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells....
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!

Enzo and The Godfather Story

A Mafia Godfather finds his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

He got the job as It was assumed that he would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,  "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is." 

The lawyer, signs to Enzo where the money is..

Enzo signs back,  "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather,  "He doesn't know what you are talking about." 

The Godfather pulls a pistol, puts it to Enzo's  temple  and says,  "Ask him again!" 

The lawyer signs to Enzo,  "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back,  "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in  Woodbridge !" 

The Godfather asks the lawyer,  "What did he say?"  
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Free with a tank full

A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck,
along with his brother, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
  It ain't rigged.    My wife won twice last week."

Japanese Hotel Service . . .

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo,

He needed a haircut so he asked the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purpose.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening. The machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot and fifteen seconds later his hands were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and , stuck his manhood into the opening. The guy then let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman gingerly withdraw his tender unit which now had a button sewn on the end.

SNEEZING

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

The Case of Mistaken identity

The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
.
When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. 

Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at the job queue Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours and at the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!...