GRENADE TRAINING 101

A hand grenade can go off in 4-5 seconds.

Ever hear the saying "throws like a girl"?

Not sure the Indian Prime Minster could say that after his gratuitous gaffe when he said. “I am happy that Bangladesh Prime Minister, despite being a woman, has declared zero tolerance for terrorism.

But it seems US marines are not constrained by #DespiteBeingAWoman political incorrectness.  In the (new) Marine Corps (with women in combat), this is what GRENADE TRAINING 101 looks like....filmed on location at Camp Pendelton, CA

 

 

watch the live link here.  http://i.imgur.com/t3CF25z.gif

Un-Quotable Quotes

In the 1960s there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares. Basically stars were asked questions by the host, and the contestants had to guess whether their answer was correct or not. But the show was the one-liners that the stars answered the question with, before giving their real answer.  Some of the best responses are below.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness.
(The audience laughed so long it took almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and think he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you gesture more with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

The Ghost Riders Blues Irony

Bob Spooner and I complied this musical slide deck few years ago to raise money for the needy.. but we never got any.

It was in the last decade in 2009 so only a select few like John Lincoln, Maz Garnett, Trish Stevens. Ian Oliver, David Brown and more I won't name, who stuck by me, and know I am breaking the never repeat rule.

But I still love hearing this Blues Brothers version of the Ghost Riders in The Sky that we found to go with what we laughed out load at during assembly of the original post “What "Famous People Say ”

The irony is, it is still circulating as a now famous item itself and found its way back to me via a tweet. 

Talking of irony, one of my all time favorite quotes many chide me often for repeating in social surroundings is the Jack Nicholson one liner where he said

“ My mother never did get the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.” 

The Barbara Bush quote, obviously about Bill and another favorite, is similarly insightful, which you can read for you self. 

Its goes for 1.40 seconds so put on your earphones as you enjoy it again..

Cheers Gordie

Confession of a woman

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my backside in the mirror I will think, 

“Good grief, look how smart I am!
Must be where 'Smart Arse' came from!”

When is Enough Coffee Enough

You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while its running.

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

A  little  bit of Aussie   Kulcha.....   LOG ON:                          Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.  LOG OFF:                         Not adding any more wood to the barbie.  MONITOR:                       Keeping an eye on the barbie.  DOWNLOAD:                 Getting the firewood off the Ute.  HARD DRIVE:                 Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.  KEYBOARD:                     Where you hang the Ute keys.  WINDOW:                          What you shut when the weather's cold.  SCREEN:                           What you shut in the mozzie season.  BYTE:                                What mozzies do.  MEGABYTE:                   What Townsville mozzies do.  CHIP:                                 A bar snack.  MICROCHIP:                 What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.  MODEM:                         What you did to the lawns.  LAPTOP:                         Where the cat sleeps.  SOFTWARE:                    Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.  HARDWARE:                 Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.  MOUSE:                           The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.  MAINFRAME:                 What holds the shed up.  WEB:                                 What spiders make.  WEBSITE:                       Usually in the shed or under the verandah.  SEARCH ENGINE:       What you do when the Ute won't go.  CURSOR:                       What you say when the Ute won't go.  YAHOO:                            What you say when the Ute does go.  UPGRADE:                    A steep hill.  SERVER:                       The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.  MAIL SERVER:             The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.  USER:                               The neighbour who keeps borrowing things. NETWORK:                   What you do when you need to repair the fishing net. INTERNET:                   Where you want the fish to go. NETSCAPE:                  What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net. ONLINE:                       Where you hang the washing. OFFLINE:                      Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

 

Quote of Quotes

“The one terrorist in England with a sense of humour, was a man known as Khalid the Droll, He was reported to have said to the cell,

‘I bet I can get them all to take off their shoes in airports.’

“Quite Enough of Calvin Trillin”

Veritable mensch & funny man

COURT REPORTER

Maintaining a straight face as a court reporter sure must be hard

Below are are excerpts from a book referred to as being called Disorder in the American Courts, It is reputed people actually said them in court, as taken down by the court reporters

The torment for them must have being staying straight faced while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

 

 

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing la

I looked up the book name on Amazon and found a couple similarly name. I am not sure if it is the same book cited in the joke send to me by David Dyckhoff, but here is a cut and paste expert of that copyright material which you can also access directly from the linked picture above

Staying Alive

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

- George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008)

(there you go Andrew all on one page now)

Finding a Parking Space

My 50 something female friends tell me "Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped." ……………Larry King

 

Posted @ Friday, June 08, 2012 7:41 PM by  on http://www.newyorkparkingticket.com/Blog/bid/85905/

Signs of the Trades

Sign over a gynecologist Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

************************** 
   In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels."

************************** 
On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

************************** 
On a Plumber's  truck: 
"We repair what your husband fixed." 
************************** 
On another Plumber's truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 
************************** 
On a Church's Bill board: 
"7 days without God makes one weak." 
************************** 
At a Tyre Store 
"Invite us to your next blowout."

************************** 
On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts."

************************** 
In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate 
action."

************************** 
On a Maternity Room door: 
"Push. Push. Push."

************************** 
At an Optometrist's Office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right 
place."

************************** 
On a Taxidermist's window: 
"We really know our stuff."

************************** 
On a Fence: 
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

************************** 
At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

************************** 
Outside a Car Exhaust Store: 
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

************************** 
In a Vets waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

************************** 
In a Restaurant window: 
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

************************** 
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

************************** 
And don't forget the sign at a 
RADIATOR SHOP: 
"Best place in town to take a leak."

********************** 
Sign on the back of yet another 
Septic Tank Truck: 
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Who said that? -

You may remember some of these. You may even member some of the people who made these statements. If you do it is time to do your memoirs.

(I always wondered about,Socrates and I love the Churchill one Maz.)

Wisdom in Phrases

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)          

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt           

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain           

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns          

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge          

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain          

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates         

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx       

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante       

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor      

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine     

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield     

<><>

 

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan     

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath   

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope     

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields     

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers    

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill   

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller   

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal    

<><>

 

And

the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

 

 

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

 

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

 

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1 You accidentally enter your password on the microwave..,
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3...
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses...
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every TV commercial on has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this..
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled backup to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

Stupid question, excellent answer

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and the interview was over.

 

Summary according to hoax http://www.hoax-slayer.com/79-3.shtml :

Claims that Australia’s General Peter Cosgrove said a female interviewer was "equipped to be a prostitute" on ABC radio.are “False”

But I still like the story

Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone  Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

 

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

Sanity statistics who one out of four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

She’s Got Balls

Why people say “GROW SOME BALLS” Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding!

……………………….Betty White

Sacred Games

In Scotland, many years ago, a new game was invented for Gents.

It was found to be a legitimate haven for men who wanted a place to go to get away from the their omnipresent wives.

Hence the rule 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'..was applied.
From this the game eventually became know GOLF had its origins with a new word entered into the English language.

Quotable Quotes from Highway Patrol

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."   (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Best Caddy Comment

Best Caddy Comment #10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Best Caddy Comment #9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Best Caddy Comment #8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Best Caddy Comment #7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Best Caddy Comment #6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

Best Caddy Comment #5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Best Caddy Comment #4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Best Caddy Comment #3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Best Caddy Comment #2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Aussie Biker in News

A biker was visiting the zoo in  Brisbane  when he saw a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT -

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

This reporter must work for the "Australian" or the "Age" newspapers.