The Ultimate in Suicide Counselling – bet she changes her mind

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Fuck off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

Police Response: Australia. Canada, USA.

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.(don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do? ANSWER: Australian Police Officer: Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights. 1) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 5) Am I dressed provocatively? 6) Could I run away? 7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings? 9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what message does this send  society? 11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 13) If I raise my gun and he runs falls, knocks his head and kills himself, do I get blamed? 14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Canadian Police Officer: BANG! American Police Officer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click' ...Reload... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Stevie Wonder & Tiger Woods go drinking

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger asks  Stevie , "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
Towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Just Pick a night."

Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

Rectum Stretcher

Well over the speed limit a woman passed over a bridge and got caught by a cop with a radar gun. 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? "  he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs -  $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face?  PRICELESS !!!

 

I think our policy not to repeat a joke must change. I laugh even harder whenever I se this one come up.

Mistaken Identity

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, "Hello."

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place her. So he asks, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think that you're the father of one of my kids."

His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

He asks, "Are you the stripper at the bachelor party I made love on the pool table, while all of my buddies were watching?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Good advice....

Don’t die a virgin. there are terrorists up there waiting for you !!

New definition for S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said : 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.' When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing! When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing! We older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S. Slower, Older and Smarter....

IMPORTANT: This notice remains the property of the Department of Defence and is subject to the jurisdiction of section 70 of the Crimes Act 1914. If you have received this email in error, you are requested to contact the sender and delete the email.

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a  mechanic.
 

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.  When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came
back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"   "The instructor said, "During the exam,you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%of the mark."  

   After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Are Italian Lovers Best

A virile, middle-aged Italian man named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he met a spectacular young blond woman.

He invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

No, I’m Norwegian".

Hell for 6 inches

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We jumped into bed and we were about to make love when her husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on."When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished.See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but you know what , REALLY pissed me off?

When I looked down and saw my feet were only SIX INCHES off the ground !!!!!!!

Four Old Ladies Car Accident Voicemail

First hand witness account recorded on a voicemail about an accident involving four little old ladies Believe it or not, but it is Hilarious !!!

Has the cat got you Tongue? they asked.

Calling in sick no matter how legitimate my excuse, I always feel my boss thinks I'm lying.

Recently, I had a valid reason but the truth was too humiliating. So I just said I had a head injury, and reasoned, I could think up something later to explain how it happened.

The accident occurred mainly because wife's adopted a cute little kitty.

On that morning, while in the shower she call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead. Please come & reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested still in the shower .
I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts and sucks me in?'
There was a pause then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping my silent outraged nudity would show how I perceived her behaviour as cowardly.

Sighing, I stuck my head under the sink and it was the last I remember.

Without warning, at the precise moment I was most vulnerable, our new kitty leapt at the toys dangling between my legs and snagged them with her needle-like claws

I lost all rational control of orderly bodily movements, and rising violently rate, as the the full weight of a kitten delivered indescribable pain to my testicles, my head hit the sink so forcefully it knocked me out cold.

I awoke, to find my wife and some paramedics standing over me. There are not many things in this life worse than lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse the paramedics, who by now knew the story, did their work, while unsuccessfully attempting to suppress their hysterical laughter.

But I lived through it all and few days later I made it back in to work.

My colleagues tried to coax an explanation but I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. .

What's the matter?' They asked, 'Did the cat bite your tongue?'
“Something like that,  I said

Black Fella’s The Booze Bus...!!

Two indigenous Australians were driving their old
Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk!
Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that, I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case, we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gavea blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely country of Australia - she's apologised, and says you white fellas can't take the piss out of us black fellas no more!

Father Joseph Wisdom

!

Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

Moral of this story:
Always keep your condoms in your car ...

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.  Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.  He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.  The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.  Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'  'Why?' asked the pilot.  'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'  The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . You're NOT my flight instructor?' Special note to David K "Life is short. Drink the good wine first"

Who says Scots are tight?

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. 
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana,unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds -to reveal a condom. 
The condom has a number of patches on it. 
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
How much to repair it? the Scot asks the chemist. 
Six pence, says the chemist.
How much for a new one? 
Ten pence, says the chemist. 
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door,shoulders back and kilt swinging. 
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor,this time with a grin on his face.
The regiment has taken a vote,  he says. 
We'll have a new one."

The 5ive Hundred Dollar$ Price Barrier!!

This is a great scene from two up and coming talents who deserve credit. I’m tempted to put on my http://www.performanceontroller.com/ blog under the heading, “How to improve your negotiating skills”.

The youtube scene, sees these young and talented actors; Emilie Germain (the masseuse) reluctant to engage with Christopher Green Goodwin (Bill) for additional services.

You will have to watch it to find out how it ends

Ms. Germain also starred in the lead role of “Parallels” a 2009  independent short film. Mr Goodwin is great in Two Please - A short film by Lisa Malazzo.

Very Funny ~ Enjoy.

Best Solution

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the end of his penis by a rattlesnake.

“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do.

Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy asks "isn't there any other way". The doctor says not right now, otherwise he will die". 

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”