Bring Tommy Cooper back

Due to considerable “gentle reader”demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners. Yes, he was brilliant!!     Wasn’t he. Not a swear word in sight and so funny.    

1 .  Two blondes walk into a building.........you'd  think at least one of them would have seen  it.

2.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want  to buy marijuana, press the hash  key...'

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I  can clearly see you're  nuts.'

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other  day but I couldn't find any.

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him  50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the  top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too  high.'

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong  currant pulled him in.

7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious  accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't  feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you  can't, I've cut your arms  off'.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a  muscle.

9. Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for  all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

10. Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police  say that he topped himself.

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing  out of his head.Doc says 'I'll give you some  cream to put on it.'

12.  Man says to the 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass  of Home'  The Doc say s'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.  Man says 'Is it common?'  and Doc says Well 'It's not  unusual.'

13. A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look  at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down. ' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the  doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up  my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you  start.'

15. Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom!

16.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A  fsh.

17..  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure,  you look great, the world's your oyster, go for  it..'

18. Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are  5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother  Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But  I think it's Colin.

19. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your  round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat  bastard!'

20.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating  fireworks. They charged one and let the other one  off.

21. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the  windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was  nice.'

22.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt  my arm in several places' The doctor said,  'Well don't go thereanymore'

23.. Ireland 's  worst air disaster occurred early this morning  when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into  a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that  number to climb as digging continues into the  night.