The Unstoppable Virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha! 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn! 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no -not again! 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that! 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."Oh No! IT IS CALLED THE  "C-NILE VIRUS."

A Message from the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
    

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

SUV at 85

Two old boys having a great laugh...

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup.  Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

In Defence of Beer.....

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6-packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So your monthly spend is $900.or per year $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Ok so in 15 years you’re spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Ok so if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in an compound interest savings account and you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Then where's your Ferrari?

Snow in Newfoundland

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the Northern Tip of Newfoundland.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

(Hope that wasn’t  you Maz!!! )

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

A  little  bit of Aussie   Kulcha.....   LOG ON:                          Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.  LOG OFF:                         Not adding any more wood to the barbie.  MONITOR:                       Keeping an eye on the barbie.  DOWNLOAD:                 Getting the firewood off the Ute.  HARD DRIVE:                 Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.  KEYBOARD:                     Where you hang the Ute keys.  WINDOW:                          What you shut when the weather's cold.  SCREEN:                           What you shut in the mozzie season.  BYTE:                                What mozzies do.  MEGABYTE:                   What Townsville mozzies do.  CHIP:                                 A bar snack.  MICROCHIP:                 What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.  MODEM:                         What you did to the lawns.  LAPTOP:                         Where the cat sleeps.  SOFTWARE:                    Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.  HARDWARE:                 Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.  MOUSE:                           The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.  MAINFRAME:                 What holds the shed up.  WEB:                                 What spiders make.  WEBSITE:                       Usually in the shed or under the verandah.  SEARCH ENGINE:       What you do when the Ute won't go.  CURSOR:                       What you say when the Ute won't go.  YAHOO:                            What you say when the Ute does go.  UPGRADE:                    A steep hill.  SERVER:                       The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.  MAIL SERVER:             The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.  USER:                               The neighbour who keeps borrowing things. NETWORK:                   What you do when you need to repair the fishing net. INTERNET:                   Where you want the fish to go. NETSCAPE:                  What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net. ONLINE:                       Where you hang the washing. OFFLINE:                      Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

 

Panic Post Email

To: My Panic Everyone List

Subject: FW: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.

Dear HFAO friends,

I just got an email, below, on my computer from a life time mate, Bob Spooner, warning me about a new spider infection that is spreading across Australia.

No it is not of the computer variety that crawls over your operating system. It is the biological kind where the spider crawls over your hand and infects you with a bite.

Being a fantastic bloke who cares about others he asked me to pass it on. Can’t be too careful he says with his codicil , “whatever bit that thumb is nasty, even though was probably a hoax email”

The good news is , Yes it is a hoax, But the unscrupulous opportunists who feed of confusion are making money selling fumigation services to little old ladies not worldly enough to spot the incredibility .

Despite the email carrying the hallmark signs of a hoax, Australian Museum experts have taken calls from worried residents across the country who believe they have found one of the spiders in their homes. "People are panicking. One couple had already ordered their house to be fumigated when they called us,'" museum naturalist Martyn Robinson said

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/news/gory-spider-bite-email-fools-aussies/story-fna7dq6e-1111118166737#ixzz2J3tAettk

The best advice I got when I showed this to a another mate was to keep taking my anti-paranoia pills and have more time enjoy life.

(Hope to catch up soon Bob…)

Cheers

Gordon

From: Mary & Bob Spooner
Sent: Saturday, 26 January 2013 1:19 PM
To: Mary & Bob Spooner
Subject: FW: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.

Probably a hoax email but whatever bit that thumb is nasty

Subject: Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.

Please note - some of the photos are far from being pretty !!!!! Watch out for this spider - Please don't delete.. forward to everyone This is a new known spider, so please take note  Has been found all over Eastern Aust and heading to WA.  Looks similar to a huntsman. This spider is in all states so watchout.  Not a good look!! Please take note of this spider - it is very dangerous.  Please warn kids and send to every one you know to alert them as well!  This spider is breeding at a rate of speed and is found in more and more houses!!!! Please ensure all the family takes a good look at this spider.......... maybe some should not look at the photos of the person who got bitten on the thumb and the end result....... but  take note of what the spider looks like.  If it looks like a huntsman and you are not sure.......... unfortunately, but for your safety's sake........KILL IT!!!! Spider Day 5  Day 6  Day 9  Day 10  Watch out for this SPIDER:  This is important -please do not delete until you have forwarded it on to anyone here in Australia that you know!!! This info re a new spider from  RED CROSS !

Beware of The Older Woman

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she Probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mum, you still awake?'

The Wine Taster

At the Iniskillin Winery warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A homeless street person, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.  They gave him a glass to drink.

The old ‘troller tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”

“That's correct,” said the boss.

“Another glass, please.”

“It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees.  Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Absolutely correct! A third glass.”

He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.” 

The  director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.  She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.  The homeless street person tried it. 

“It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.” 

Should I Really Join Facebook?

Its a bit long but if you do read it all the way through! It's a good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!

When I bought my iphone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a mobile phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of my entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my iphone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the supermarket or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I used it once when I was standing in line at Coles talking to my wife and everyone within 50 mtrs was glaring at me. I had taken out my hearing aid to use it, and I was talking little loud!
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn when possible. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross roads and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the supermarkets. You would think they could make a decision themselves, but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just leaves me confused. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking stupid, but I never remember to take them with me..
Now when they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

I know some of you are not over 50. but I to sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Senior citizens don't need more gadgets. The TV & the garage remote are about all we can handle.

Politically Correct

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .  The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.  The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man takes his turn to be served, "Can I have some raisin bread please?" The raisin bread is on the top shelf so the assistant pulls over the ladder and climbs up get it. The man is standing almost directly beneath her so he get an excellent view of her thong as she descends the ladder. As she steps off , he says “On second thoughts can I get two loaves please? She turns and goes back for the second loaf. By now other male customers in the store notice what is going on and in turn begin to requests a loaf. After several trips the assistant begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder she looks down at the forming queue and sees the next customer, an elderly man. Thinking she can save herself another trip, she looks at the elderly man and says, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "but it's quivering a lot.."

The Cut Lunch Nun

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers; Putting her sandwich in a brown bag she walked over. Sporting a big smile, as she walked up to the group, she asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other, confused... Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled , "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back, " Cause his mom's here with his lunch.

Irish math test.

Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?"  The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain?  Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is now head of Qantas

Postman's Knock

One Monday morning the postman delivering the mail, noticed a David, a homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman  commented.

David, in obvious pain from a head ache,  replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night.. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.  We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM  I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times."

What did that Kid’s really say?

Can Freedom of Speech be Politically Incorrect

A sign in an American Indian store front window said ...

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, NANCY PELOSI, HARRY REID, AND ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND HOLLYWOOD ,THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!'

You may be outraged or amused at the such an inflammatory statement, but either way American a society holds freedom of speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.

You also may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign...Answer: "Owen's Funeral Home"

Bless America and all sinking in her!

UK EATING IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta we did not think had been invented.

* Curry was an unknown

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

* Spices came from the Middle East and used for embalming

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

** The only vegetables were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded as  suspicious.

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.

* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.

* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking

* Bread and jam was a treat.

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.

* The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.

* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.

* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea….. and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle.

* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.

* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

* Soup was a main meal.

* The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.

* Only Heinz made beans, there were no others.

* Leftovers went in the dog, never in the bin.

* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

* Sauce was either brown or red.

* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

* Fish and chips was always wrapped in old newspapers, and definitely tasted better that way.

* Frozen food was called ice cream.

* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

* Ice cream only came in one flavour, vanilla.

* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

* Jelly and blancmange was strictly party food.

* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.

* Indian restaurants were only found in India .

* Cheese only came in a hard lump.

* A bun was a small cake that your Mum made in the oven.

* Eating out was called a picnic.

* Cooking outside was called camping.

* Eggs only came fried or boiled.

* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.

* Pancakes were only eaten on Shrove Tuesday – and on that day it was compulsory.

* Cornflakes had just arrived from America but it was obvious that they would never catch on.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

* Prunes were purely medicinal.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

* We didn't eat Croissants because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them and or know what they were.

* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.

* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging treble for it they would be laughing stock.

* Food hygiene was about washing your hands before meals.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties …. ELBOWS

A Good Queuing Tip

The other day I needed to go to the local NHS hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.  Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch.
Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at all supermarkets. It saves me hours.
At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running!
Don't try it at McDonald's though...... The whole staff disappeared and I never got my cheeseburger !

Also.......... never wear it while trying to get a taxi !!

Exercise for senior men which works well for me.

My doctor started me on a rehab exercise program. I am walking with a walking therapist every day. I never knew walking with someone else was such an incentive. We don't talk much during the walk, though. My therapist walks about 10 feet ahead of me and sets the space, as directed by my doctor. So far, I have followed her for 27 miles without even using my cane ! I am feeling better each mile and my heart condition, my blood pressure and my breathing seem to be improving. I have fun where ever we go !

Call Up - Guys Over 60

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??  Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! .

BBC Today Program

On the 'Today' programme on BBC Radio 4 with John Humphries the Broadcaster:
At the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the high cost of entry into Premiership football games – ‘£60 to £100 per game is not uncommon' was the commentary.
An older bloke being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles, (probably at Arsenal or Spurs), to be told, "That will be 10 Quid Mate".   "What!", the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"
The chap on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way and a brass band in the Interval, you couldn’t mate!"

John Humphries could be heard in stitches in the background

Holy E-Mail

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all the rascally behaviour going on. So he sent an Angel to check it out. When the angel returned, he reported that 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought, 'Maybe I had better send a second angel and get another opinion.' The second angel returned with the same story, God it's true’, she said, ’the earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are being good' God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, to encourage them to keep going. I was just wondering if you know what the email said, because I didn't get one either.

The Hammer.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge also says, "You're also charged with beating your mother in law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You god-damned bastard."

The judge stops and says to the guy at the back of the courtroom, "Sir I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you or I will charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the courtroom stands up and says, "For fifteen years I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Homo slackass-erectus- Possibly a New Sub-Species?

Referred to as“homo slackass-erectus” the natural evolution of this species occurred when a class of homo sapiens began genetic downward posturing with constant spineless and spasmodic upper limb gestures.

New research has now shown this also caused shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait.

The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function hence you can expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication.

Research on its history shows that this species mostly receives food stamps and full government care.

Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

It's a man thing.

This is a my story about how I was a bagpiper at a Funeral. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a  homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather  around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I Played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost..It's a man thing.

Clever Puns

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On a Plumber's  truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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Sign on the back of

yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

This is why teachers drink

The following questions were set in last year’s examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs             (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery              (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow                                 (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..               (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Asian answer! Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium           (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor.              (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport.          (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

The haircut

A florist went to a barber for a haircut. When he asked for his  bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money; I'm doing community service this week.'  The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'  The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'  The MP was very happy and left the shop.  The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the difference between the citizens of  the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Complimentary Alphabet

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...

"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.