Chicken and the Horse Joke

New Wine for Seniors

 
I kid you not.....California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

It is being marketed as

PINO MORE

I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

I just couldn’t help it.

Why are Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?

When They Arrive, They're wet and wild,

When They Go, They Take Your House And Car...

Aborigine Sailor

Aborigine goes for a job at sea.
The Captain says, "Have you had any experience away at sea?
"No", the Aborigine says, "But I'm honest!"
The Captain takes him on, and off they sail.
After three weeks at sea the Aborigine is busy mopping the decks, when
a big wave crashes over the boughs and sweeps the Abo overboard.
The 1st mate goes running to the Captain.
"You know the Abo we took on - the one who said he was honest?"
"Well he has just fucked off with your mop!"

A prize winning excuse for having an affair!

The wife came home to find her husband making love to beautiful woman.
"You unfaithful, jerk! ? How dare you do this to me, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I hear from you so make it fast, you creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. so  I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight.

When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

Judge’s decision is final

I'm not sure who this woman is,

But apparently she knows you…

Biology Breakthroughs

The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks 'Does anybody know what this is?
Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'
The teacher says '2 of them?'
Harry says 'ya! the little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'

The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation/correction center.
Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled,
head bowed and reduced in size.

Advice to us aging studs

A 48+ year old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

What makes a penis stand up?

 To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.
It's hell of a job threading a needle!

Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.
'The man next to me is masturbating!'
Bf: 'Ignore him.'
Gf: 'I can't.'
Bf: 'Why not?'
Gf: 'He is using my hand!'

My first condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy.

In those days it took a lot of guts because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young sales assistant (I think her name was Dolores) knew what they were for.

She she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.  'Just a minute,' she said, taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse unhooked her bra. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.

I was so dumb-struck with my mouth open and nodded my head. She then said slip the condom on. as she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on and it was so just wonderful. I was done within a few moments.

She then looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'

I said, 'Sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the crap out of me. Women are so hard to figure out.

Smartphone pictures pose real privacy risks

I had no idea taking pictures on my cell phone tells everyone where it was being taken. It's scary.

Religious Differences

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't

If the US shut Wal-mart China would go broke?

Really So how Big is Wal-mart?

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour / day.
2. Wal-Mart makes $20,928 profit per minute!
3.. Wal-Mart sells more from Jan 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people the largest private employer, and most can't speak English.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers ; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
13. The value of product for Wal-Mart passing through the port of San Diego each year is a larger sum than 93% of ALL countries Gross National Product (GNP) .....and that is only ONE port ...one way that’s how Wal-Mart gets it's stuff.
14. Of the 1.6 million employees, only 1.2% make a living above the poverty level.
15. Wal-Mart's head office is located and centralized in Bentonville. Due to this fact, there are more millionaires per square mile there than any place on Earth.
16. The official U.S. Government position is that Wal-Mart's prices are no lower than anyone else's when compared to a typical families weekly purchases. That's the view of the statisticians at the Bureau Of Labor Statistics (BLS) responsible for calculating the Consumer Price Index (CPI).
17. 92% of everything Wal-Mart sells, comes from China . Another 4% comes from Chinese owned companies in the U.S. or in 3rd world Countries.
18. Wal-Mart and MOST large companies, take out life insurance on it's employees, without their knowing. If an employee dies, ALL the insurance moneys go to the companies. I.e. An employee making $18,000 per year, dies, and the company might make as much as $1 million. Most often these moneys, coming from what is commonly referred to as "Dead Peasant Life Insurance Policies", is paid out to executives as bonuses. (A common practice, unknown by the average consumer).
19... Wal-Mart now averages a "profit" (not sales) of $36 billion per year.
20. Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street. If not, consider shopping someplace else.

Stopped by Police at 2am

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Fush and Chups – What is it?

If you know any New Zealanders, your also know how hard they are too understand.

For most of us A E I O U  are easy to say and understand vowels. But New Zealanders mess the sounds of these around to make themselves un-intelligible.

For example; the sound of “I”in Rick is changed to sound like Ruck where conversely the “a” in Tackle (as in football) sounds like an “I” to become Tickle, (the act of touching a part of the body so as to cause involuntary twitching movements and/or laughter)

Maybe a direct swap can be fathomed but then they make sure we are completely confused with other interchanges For example that “a: in catch (as in catch a the ball,) is changed so it sounds like ketch (a sailing craft with two masts) And a Gull as in seagull is actually the scouring measure: Goal.

I am told the Kiwi’s do this so the opposition don’t know what is happening at the Rugby.

Here are a few more example you may hear at their Rugby games :

Australia passports allow transgender option

Canberra : Australia this week brought in new passport rules allowing citizens to nominate their official gender as male, female or indeterminate, without having to undergo surgery as proof of a sex change.

Senator Louise Pratt, Australia's first parliamentarian with a transgendered partner -- born female but now a man -- said the change was a huge step forward.

Pratt was quote as saying

The reason this bill was passed was because Being transgender  is very distressing, and highly inconvenient ."

Another quote I saw from and Aussie leaving the country to live somewhere else said:

I am getting out because I am  worried with all this transgender legislation, they will make it compulsory.

I also wonder if they are just trying to save costs so we only need one restroom when we travel now.

German Shepherd Wisdom

An old German Shepherd resting see a panther heading in his direction with the intention making him lunch.

He thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Then noticing some bones on the ground, he chews on them with his back to the cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Shepherd exclaims,
"Boy, that was a delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more?"

Hearing this, the panther stops in terror and slinks away muttering ."Whew!, That was close! That old do nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel watching, figures he can trade his knowledge for some panther protection. And heads off catch up with the panther, where he strikes a deal.

The panther is furious at being made such a fool of, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what will happen to that conniving canine!"

The German Shepherd sees the panther coming and thinks, "What am I going to?," But instead of running, he sits down with his back to his attacker and when they get close enough, the old dog says...

"Where's that damned squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!  Brilliance comes with experience!

Study of cultural norms

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is
cooking and cleaning for them.
* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
started swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have the woman pregnant in order
to supply more employees for their stores.
* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

Lord God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
God said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So God went to the Blacks. The Blacks wanted an example too and when God said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
They said "We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.
 
The  Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord tried 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Next he tried the French with an example, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.''Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

That should offend just about everybody except perhaps Lord Buddha . But I am told he was the ghost writer who wrote the commandments for God

Self Control Break - The Fly

You will love this.... Move your mouse near the guy's face and watch him swat you away. You will get sick of trying to beat him in a while. 

Staying within limits

On a plane a distinguished lady was seated next to a nice priest During the flight asked him: "Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget and I paid an large sum of money for it. I am over the declaration limit so do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”.

When the priest presented to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.

Finding this strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go thru Father!" 

Next Please!!!

Best Medicine

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."

The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"

The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."

The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"

The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."

The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well, I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"

The Man Said "Yes"

The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison’

Lush at Larry's Bar

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her! I'm Going Crazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" "Relax," Says The Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Missing the point

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife’s Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: “Honey What Are You Doing...Husband: “MISSING YOU”...