Who wears the pants in your family?

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
 
She did and said, 'These are too big.  I can't wear them.'
 
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in  this family and I always will.'
 
Ever since that night, we have  never had any problems.
 
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
 
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
 
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
 
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  I don't want you to ever forget that.'
 
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Mike did and said,  'I can't get into your panties.'
 
Karen said, 'Exactly.  And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.

Obscene Phone Call foiled

Phone rings, Woman answers.

The Pervert, with heavy breathing, says, " I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the golf - who shall I say is calling?"

Jerry’s Irish One liners - It helps if your are British

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

An  assortment of high powered weapons and a stash  of drugs have been found  behind the Job  Centre in Frankston in Australia Locals are in a state of  shock. They had no idea they had a Job  Centre!

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says” that's not true.. sometimes I want a  kebab"

An  assortment of high powered weapons and a stash  of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found  behind the Job  Centre in Frankston.
The locals are said to  be in a state of  shock.

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.He says "I  can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
"Sure, do you have any idea where your  wife is?"
"Not a  clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman  with tits like yours, she  appears out of  nowhere!"

My sexy  Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a  "roger".
It was only when I had my  trousers round my ankles  and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to  rent her spare room out!!

David  Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult  to claim benefits. From next week the forms  will only be printed in  English.

Sky news  report. The  Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand  and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.

Sunday Afternoon Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks as if the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

Aircraft Quiz

This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. However, the answer may surprise you . . . The Question:

"What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?"

 

 

 

Yeah... I got it wrong, too!

Americans take their politics seriously

Burt, my American mate took a Cadillac Escalade for a test before they become extinct...The salesman sat in the back seat and described the car and all its wonderful options. 

“One features he explained was the seats direct warm air to your butt in the winter and cool air in the heat of summer .

Burt commented that the the car must be a Republican car.

The salesman annoyed asked why he thought it was a Republican car?

Burt explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

Burt had to walk back to the dealership...

The Things I Owe My Parents

Do these have a familiar ring? Especially for Baby Boomers

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning."
2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"
9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you."
16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My Parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Laugh a bit

Revenge is sweet


Golf for Beginners

 

 

 

A Jolly Good Recovery


How men screw up romance

Adultery

A calm and respectable lady went into a chemist and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide please."

The chemist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The chemist replied  “I’m sorry, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?  I'll lose my licence and they'll throw both of us in jail. "

The lady reached into her handbag and got a photo of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife.

The chemist looked at the picture and said, "Ah, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Theory of Intelligence

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . .When the herd of Buffalos is hunted, weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection process is good as the whole heard keeps improving with this culling of the weakest members. 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate. As we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates weaker brain cells, so the brain becomes a faster and more efficient machine. 

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Tall Story from a Census Taker

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Woman: "Four." 

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?" 

Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George." 

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine.  But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?" 

Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Someone out there has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY Re-arranged as: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN Re-arranged as: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER Re-arranged as: MOON STARER
DESPERATION Re-arranged as: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES Re-arranged as: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH Re-arranged as: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE Re-arranged as: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES Re-arranged as: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY Re-arranged as: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS Re-arranged as: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW Re-arranged as: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS Re-arranged as: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT Re-arranged as: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES Re-arranged as: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO Re-arranged as: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Getting old (Places and names have been deleted to protect the guilty)

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

**********************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in  reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

**********************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in the Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single now...?!'

**********************************************************

Two elderly people, he a widower and she a widow, had known each other for several  years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her..

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

**********************************************************

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

**********************************************************

A little old man shuffled into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'haemorrhoids.'

New definition for S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said : 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.' When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing! When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing! We older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S. Slower, Older and Smarter....

IMPORTANT: This notice remains the property of the Department of Defence and is subject to the jurisdiction of section 70 of the Crimes Act 1914. If you have received this email in error, you are requested to contact the sender and delete the email.

Beethoven's 9th Symphony..Impromptu

Out for a stroll in Sabadella near Barcelona in Spain, and a symphony orchestra accompanied by a choir appears out of nowhere and begins playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony.

Breathtaking … Not much else can say here.. just listen and enjoy

What Love Means to Kids

Some professionals posed this question to a group of some 4 to 8 year-olds,

"What does love mean?"

Here are their answers for you to  can see what Kid's think:
---------------------------------------------------------------------

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age  4
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny -  age 7
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."
Noelle - age 7
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.  He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"My mommy loves me more than anybody.  You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
---------------------------------------------------------------------
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

How to Kill Mosquito’s - NOT A JOKE

I can't wait to try this in the summer! I was at a deck party , and the bugs were  biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. When next outdoors at a picnic I took a 4-ounce spray bottle I had filled with Listerine and sprayed it around my seat when I saw mosquitoes. Voila! That worked too So we sprayed the area around the food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water nearby and bingo! No more mossies! Now during the summer, I don't leave home without it..       COMMENTS: I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors. It works - in fact, it killed them instantly. I bought my bottle from Target and it cost me $1.89. It really doesn't take much, and it is a big bottle, too; so it is not as expensive to use as the can of Bug-spray you buy that doesn't last 30 minutes. So, try this, please. It will last a couple of days. Don't spray directly on a wood door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window frames, and even inside the dog house. Now these are Good Mosquito’s!!!

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.