Bill Clinton’s Daily Jog

Bill Clinton recently started a daily jogging routine near his home and on the same street corner each day he had to jog past a hooker standing there.

At first he would brace himself as she would cry out from the curb. "Fifty dollars!"

This ritual changed when one day Bill decided to take the offensive and began to call back "No, Five dollars!"

When Hillary retired as the secretary of state, she decided to accompany Bill.

As they neared the problematic street corner, Bill worried what Hilary would think he'd really been doing when the pro barked her $50 offer

Sure enough, the hooker was there, but this time, she yelled, "See what you get for five bucks!?"

~000~

The Drover

A  drover, who just moved to Queensland  from Victoria walks  into a bar and orders 3 glasses of  XXXX.
He  sits in the back of the room, drinking  a sip out of each one in  turn.
When  he finishes them, he  comes back to the bar and orders three more. 
The bartender approaches and tells the  drover,
"You  know, a glass goes flat after I draw it.   It  would taste better if  you bought one at a time."
The cattleman  replies,

"Well, you see, I have two  brothers.
One's  in 'Tassie' , the other one's a 'sand groper'.  (lives in West Aust)
When  we all left our home in Echuca', we  promised that we'd drink this  way
to  remember the days when we drank together.   So  I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers  and  one for myself."

The bartender admits that  this is a nice custom and  leaves it there.
The drover becomes a  regular in the bar and  always drinks the same  way.
He  orders three mugs and drinks them in  turn.

One  day, he comes in and only orders two  mugs.
All  the regulars take notice and fall  silent.
When  he comes back to the bar for the second round,  the  bartender says,

"I  don't want to intrude on your grief,  but  I wanted to offer my condolences  on your loss."

The drover looks quite  puzzled for a moment, then  a light dawns in his eyes and  he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"  he explains.
"It's  just that my wife and I joined the Salvation  Army and  I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my  brothers  though.".

High School Girls Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. A reunion website reunites them for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives, wearing beige Versace and orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue then arrives, in gray Chanel and ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine, several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

(Sounds like they went to Mildura High School)

A Jim and Irene best of the best

Jim and Irene  are flying to Australia for a two-month vacation.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Uur engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land.

However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
 
An hour later Jim turns to his wife and asks, "Irene, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"

“No, sweetheart," she responds.

Jim, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Irene, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry Jim . I forgot to send that cheque too,” she says.

"One last thing Irene. Did you remember to send the installment cheque for Income Tax this month?"
 
"Oh, forgive me, Jim," begged Irene. "I didn't send that one, either."
 
Jim grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Irene pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Jim answers “They’ll find us!”

The Frenchman, The Scotsman and the Irishman

Three dead bodies turn up at a  mortuary all with very big smiles on Their faces and the police  call on the coroner to investigate.

"This first body," says the  coroner, is "Pierre Dubois, a Frenchman, aged 60, who died of heart failure  while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence  the Smile,'

The second is Gregory  Campbell, Scotsman, 25, who after he won £50,000 on the Lottery, spent it  all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, Hence the Smile.”

The Police Inspector then asked, '"So what about this  third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most  unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish and aged 30, was struck by  lightning."

"Why the broad grin,?" inquires the  Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture  taken".

Confession of a woman

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my backside in the mirror I will think, 

“Good grief, look how smart I am!
Must be where 'Smart Arse' came from!”

Too Much

Over heard talking in a bar were  two guys in their mid-twenties  .  One  says to his buddy:  "Man you look  tired."

His buddy says:  "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time and I just don't know what to do."

An older fellow with the wisdom of years was sitting a couple of  stools down. On hearing the conversation he leaned over and said to the buddy:

"Marry her mate. That'll put a stop to it. "

NO Speak English

A Russian lady married a Canadian and they lived happily in Toronto.

Not being proficient in English, she did have a problem when she went shopping.

One day when buying chicken legs, to make her request, in desperation she clucked like a chicken and lifted her skirt to show her thighs to the butcher. He got the message and gave her chicken legs.

Next she wanted chicken breasts, so again she clucked and unbuttoned her blouse to show her breasts. Delighted but again the butcher understood.

When it cane to sausages, she could not communicate this, so she made a time out sign and went and found  husband, who was in another store.

Now I know you are thinking, her husband speaks English,

 

I worry about you sometimes 

All Bikers are not Bad!

A drunk walks into a biker bar orders a drink then sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He staggers to the table, looks squarely at the biggest, meanest, biker, and says: 

'I went by your grandma's house today and  I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'                 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.          
The drunk moving in closer the leans on the table and says: 

'I got it on with your grandma too and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk then leans right up close to the biker’s face and snarls , 

"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him in the eyes and says...'Grandpa,.......... Go home!' 

Lost on Stairway to Heaven

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.  I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.  "You're bullshitting me, right?   You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"

WELCOME to 2015:

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
 
Plus
We are SPEECHLESS,
Our Society is CLUELESS,
Our Politicians are WORTHLESS
The Claims by Unions are Ridiculous
and
This is "Priceless".

Food for the Soul

“What day is it,”,asked Pooh

“It’s today,”  squeaked Piglet

“My Favorite Day,”said Pooh

Dalai Lama Miracles Encounter

An Australian, Irishman and Englishman were sitting in a pub. There was only one other patron, a man in orange robes.
They luckless trio stared and stared at him, until suddenly the Irishman cried out  'Hey! You!!! Are you the Dalai Lama?'

The man smiles and nods his head. ‘Yes, I am' he says. The  Irishman then calls the bartender to send him over a pint of Guinness. The Dalai Lama , raises the glass, with a smiles that says thank you.

The Englishman then beckons the bartender to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale. As before, he accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

The Australian is mighty impressed and not to be outdone sends over Pot of Victoria Bitter which the Lama, accepts with pleasure. After finishing the drinks, the Dalai Lama approaches the three men. 

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh my Gosh, the arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Then after shaking Englishman’s hand and thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. the Englishman's eyes widen as he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is gone. It's a Miracle!'

The Dalai Lama then turns to the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie ignores his extended hand and whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Compo'

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Statements to make you smile

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many. 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
Procrastinate Now!
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

...."Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."

Are my testicles black?

A hospital patient, with an oxygen mask wakes to find a student nurse giving him a sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

A little taken hack  the young nurse replies, "Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate worrying about his testicles, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and examines his testicles with the other.

There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles and says very slowly, "Thank you, that was wonderful. but  what I was asking was: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

Lexophiliats walk among us

Did you know a  Lexophilia  is a word (yes you can add it to your dictionary)

It is used to describe those of us who love twisting words,

such as

"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.  OR

“To write with a broken pencil is pointless ."

A competition to find the the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are this year's finalist submissions.

• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A will is a dead giveaway
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the winner of the twisted crop:

              "The Local Area Network in Australia is “The LAN down under”.

Capitalization

From the English teacher -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse." Is everybody clear on that?