Rehabilitation at a Nudist Camp

.....Funny

Just for fun here is new DEMENTIA QUIZ

I pride my self on my good memory for not to let any duplication creep into this site. But then sometimes I forget. I also forgot the answers to this Quiz. My good mate David Brown also forgot he sent it to me before.

If you have seen it before too don’t worry if you get all the answers  wrong again. That’s the fun part.

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU  ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND  PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU  IN?

~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER :  IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE  ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND  YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T  TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION,  OK?

SECOND QUESTION:

IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?

~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU  ARE.....
  WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE  NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:

SOME TRICKY ARITHMETIC! BUT THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. .

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW  ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE  YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT....  MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:

1. MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 
   NANA, 2 NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
   
   ~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~
   
   DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
   HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
   OKAY, NOW

THE BONUS ROUND,

THIS IS A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE  PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES  HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
_{~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~}

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives On this occasions after they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk when walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls were done they proceeded home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned

That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

Qantas and Air New Zealand Merger

Super sleuth Beth Wilde, at Black Widow investigations just posted a scoop news story about the merger activity of Qantas and Air New Zealand. In true professional style she was able to get some photo evidence below

For more About

Black Widow Investigations

contact

Elizabeth Wilde

info@BlackWidow.net.au

http://www.BlackWidow.net.au/

New parental controls in play

Sorry ladies, you have to watch this to appreciate just how clever it is!! And how  funny.....

This  is one of the most technically advanced video clips I  have seen.Click on the video below and when the video stops just press 'play' again.  Happy  viewing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html

Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.' I had no Monet To buy Degas To make the Van Gogh.' See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ....

Do Not Mess with Seniors

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

You know you're going to send this one on.

New Boots

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" 
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "

IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "shoulda bought a hat Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.

Easter Wedding

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!  Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

Kids are Quick

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.

But  here is another version

In 1497, the Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci discovered a new country, and it was named America by the map maker, Martin Waldseemuller.

However, it was later realized that Amerigo’s friend, the Spanish explorer, Christopher Columbus, had been there a few years earlier in 1492. But it was too late to rename the country Columbia.

More recently evidence has appeared showing that in fact it was the Chinese Admiral Cheng Ho who discovered America in 1421.

So who deserves the credit for actually discovering America? Maybe American Indians who were there to greet these explorers?

Who Died

A wealthy farmer goes on a trip and is met on his return by a faithful servant at the train station.

Boss: "Hello there Reuben, How you been",

Reuben: "Am jes tolerable boss, jes tolerable".

Boss: "Well Rube, what's the latest news"?

Reuben: "Wal boss, the latest news is, the dog died".

Boss: "What"? the dog died, my old dog Rube"?

Reuben: "Yes sir, yer dog it done died"!

Boss: "Oh well, I am sure gonna' miss that ole dog, how'd he die"?

Reuben: "Wal sir he died when he et rotten hoss flesh".

Boss: "Wait a minute"! Rotten Hoss Flesh! How'd he get a hold'a rotten hoss flesh"?

Reuben: "Wal he got a hold of it when the barn done burned and killed all the hosses in thar".

Boss: "WHAT"! "THE BARN BURNED?", "How did the barn burn"?

Reuben: "Wal the barn burned when it caught sparks from the house".

Boss: "SPARKS FROM THE HOUSE"! "Did the house burn"?

Reuben: "Yes sir, I am sorry to say the house done burned too".

Boss: Exasperated, "Well how'd the house burn"?

Reuben: "Wal sir, the house burned when the curtains caught fire from the candles round the casket fer the wake".

Boss: WAKE! Who died?

Reuben: "Wal sir, I am sorry to say yore poor mother-in-law died". [he sort of wipes his eyes and doffs his hat].

Boss: "My Mother in law"?[he smiles] "Oh well, how did my mother-in-law die?

Reuben: "Wal sir, she died of a heart attack when she heard the bad news—----".

Boss: "Reuben, what do you mean bad news"? "All you have been telling me is bad news"!

Reuben: "I don't know how to tell you this sir, but your wife done run off with the new hired hand".

Boss: "WHAT"? "MY WIFE RAN OFF WITH NEW HIRED HAND"! "Reuben I asked ya the latest news, why didn't you tell me this in the first place"?

Reuben: "Wal sir ya asked the latest news and the latest news is the dog died"...

Drive In Movies

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

Neighbors Dog

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..

It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says,  "The dog is still barking,

What have you been doing?" The blonde says,

"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Learn Chinese in Minutes

Life explained by scientific graphs