Who says Scots are tight?

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. 
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana,unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds -to reveal a condom. 
The condom has a number of patches on it. 
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
How much to repair it? the Scot asks the chemist. 
Six pence, says the chemist.
How much for a new one? 
Ten pence, says the chemist. 
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door,shoulders back and kilt swinging. 
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor,this time with a grin on his face.
The regiment has taken a vote,  he says. 
We'll have a new one."

Pit Bull v Porcupine!

Score:   Porcupine 1  -  Pit Bull 0

A pit bull was in his backyard in southern California, minding his own business, when a porcupine invades his territory.  The brave but stupid pit bull immediately challenges the porcupine!
Bad decision  ..

.  .  the porcupine won this short contest ...

A vet sedated the dog and then removed a total of 1,347 quills. The dog survived and has, hopefully, learned a valuable lesson.
Now, tell me you had a bad day!!

Breakfast Planning Session

The  wife and I  were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy   Sunday morning.  I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I  want you to  immediately sell all my stuff.." "Now why would  you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that  you would eventually remarry and I don't want  some other asshole using my  stuff..."

She looked at me and  said: "What makes you think I'd marry  another asshole?"

Is it true the world is flat?

Maybe not but we better start believing some of these numbers could be.

This earth clock is quite sobering.

Depletions rates are actually frightening when you see them presented in an interactive page.

Yearly, monthly, weekly figures are one thing but what really makes you think is the daily depletion rate changing before your eyes. 

Check it out on this interactive version>>

The 5ive Hundred Dollar$ Price Barrier!!

This is a great scene from two up and coming talents who deserve credit. I’m tempted to put on my http://www.performanceontroller.com/ blog under the heading, “How to improve your negotiating skills”.

The youtube scene, sees these young and talented actors; Emilie Germain (the masseuse) reluctant to engage with Christopher Green Goodwin (Bill) for additional services.

You will have to watch it to find out how it ends

Ms. Germain also starred in the lead role of “Parallels” a 2009  independent short film. Mr Goodwin is great in Two Please - A short film by Lisa Malazzo.

Very Funny ~ Enjoy.

Knowledge is free. Just bring your own container.

I

Its what’s said that inspires,

but what’s written transpires. 

 

Here are some great quotes about libraries and books.

Classifieds

These classifieds ran in a newspaper - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while..
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Court Case

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

Getting Married

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in   Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for

Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

Oh my God Kevin Died

Kevin Rudd goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him,

'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just  £100.'

The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute.

They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend

only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and get a face job for Julia or help the elderly'.

The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

We just can't take the risk.'

Det 5 - Advertising with flare

Jerry got this in his email from Det 5 restaurant in Sukhumvit Soi 8 Bangkok where it talks about an event there today for the Thai new year Songkran Celebrations

Bob Van Es the host and owner then concludes….

I couldn't resist adding n amusing attachment to sign off with.  It is an absolutely brilliant piece of advertising, and can be found at the entrance to the Cap Estel Tunnel (French Riviera, just outside Monte Carlo).

Death or Taxes?

A man was called to testify at the IRS about his taxes. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the iRS?"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are still going to get screwed!"

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse
and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room

Best Solution

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the end of his penis by a rattlesnake.

“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do.

Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy asks "isn't there any other way". The doctor says not right now, otherwise he will die". 

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

Do parrots have more fun?

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madam brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

Dangers in calling 911

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Bedside manner

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” 

One word or two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about s e x ?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

Define Sinusoidal or Harmonic Motion:

Define Sinusoidal or Harmonic Motion: This is a quick lesson in physics for all engineers and should be passed on to others like them who wonder about these sort of things.   For non- Engineers: This is Sinusoidal Motion But Trained Engineers Know This As Harmonic Motion However To My Trained Engineering Eye This is Classic Sinusoidal & Harmonic Motion, combined! You Must Keep A Breast Of All Classic Mathematical and Engineering Problems if you want to have a successful Engineering Career!

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCY, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS

Rabbit Story

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, " Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet,turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (This is bad!) (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....) (You can still delete it) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave." Happy Easter!!! May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door!

Motorcycle Ghost

A guy rigged a remote controlled motorbike with a loudspeaker and a skeleton driving the bike.

He hides across the street from a walled cemetery and when people walk by it at night, the skeleton rides up on his motor bike and . . . 

This should give your heart a jump start.  Enjoy!!

A Very Short Story

Man driving down road. 

Woman driving up same road. 
They pass each other. 
The woman yells out the window, PIG! 
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds the next curve. 
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. 

Moral For the Day:

If men would just listen.

Driving to show

If you thought you could drive well take a look at this and then maybe think again.

Retiring Postman

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and
towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted
by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a cheque for $50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to
the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love
he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed
him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly
squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee,
he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but
what's the five dollars for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day and that we should do something special
for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

Mint Flavoured Birth Control Pill:

The Cadbury's Candy Co. And Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called...."Pre-dick-a-mints!"