Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of white-out. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tea ready!
Last night I was watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, What would you like for dinner, chicken, beef or lamb? I replied 'Chicken, please.' She then replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat.'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy and I named him England..He is mainly black and brown with a small white patch.
| Pasta was not eaten in Australia.Curry was a surname. A takeaway was a mathematical problem. A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower. All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had as whether to put the salt on or not. Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding. Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait. A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.Brown bread was something only poor people ate. Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking. Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green. Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh. Fish didn't have fingers in those days. Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi. None of us had ever heard of yoghurt. Healthy food consisted of anything edible. People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy. Indian restaurants were only found in India. Cooking outside was called camping. Seaweed was not a recognized food. "Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food. Prunes were medicinal. Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed. Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!! But the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the sixties .." Elbows or Phones”. |
A drover, moved to Queensland from Victoria , and walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX. He sits, drinking a sip out of each one in turn until he finishes, then he orders three more.
On his third round the bartender says, "You know, a glass begins to go flat after I draw it. So Ii may taste better for you if you bought one at a time."
The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in 'Tassie' , another is now a 'Sand groper' from Adelaide. When we all left our home in Echuca' , we promised each other we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, And leaves it there.
The drover becomes a regular in the bar, and continues the habit . One day, he comes in and only orders two glasses..
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, The bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss."
The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment, Then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army, and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though..
A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:
Princess Diana's death is the best way to understand globalization.
Because as an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend she crashed in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi On Japanese motorcycles, and treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
To simplify the definition even more this is sent to you by an Australian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading it on a computer,with uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, all assembled by Bangladeshi workers In a Singapore plant, and then transported by Indian truck drivers, to ships at risk of being hijacked by Indonesians, and then unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and, if you are living in the US, trucked to you by Mexican illegals ....
That, my friends,Is Globalization !
1. The fattest of King Arthur's knight was Sir Cumference. He ate too much pi.
2.I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it was an optical Aleutian.
3.She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4 A pistol confiscated from an algebra class, as a weapon of math disruption.
5.No matter how much you push the envelope, It'll still be stationery.
6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.A midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.
17.A backward poet writes inverse.
18.In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.When cannibals ate a missionary, They got a taste of religion.
20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,You'd be in Seine.
21.A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess says,'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, and lit a fire to keep warm. Soon It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.A Buddhist refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.A person sent ten puns to friends, to make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to
Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be aware that:
The phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used from 31 May 2015.
From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.
If you have more questions, just give me a twinkle.
~000~
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing village. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying them on the counter.
He then asked the pharmacist, “Could you taste this for me, please”.
Being a senior citizen, the pharmacist went along, taking the spoon with a tiny dab of the liquid, puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around and with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.
“Now does that taste sweet to you.” says the old man?
The pharmacist said to the old man.“Hell no!” “Oh that's a relief”, said the old man, “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar”.
~000~
I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts" but this makes me feel better and actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events or the movies; during the playing of the national anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts aroond the world remember World War II, Normandy Pearl Harbour , Guadalcanal and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old Fart he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
It's the Old Farts who know their country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women working for and serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
I was taught to respect my elders.We need Old Farts now more than ever.It's just getting harder to find them.
Can a person have too much success? Here is story about a Mexican fisherman that shows success in a simple life well lived.
A Little Story
The businessman at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village saw a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large Yellowfin Tuna.
The businessman complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.
The businessman then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The businessman then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life, señor."
The businessman pondered a moment and then said
“maybe I could help you. If you spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise."
The fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"
To which the businessman replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, Señor?"
The businessman laughed and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions,
OK señor sounds fine ? But then what?"
The businessman said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings”
The fisherman, smiling, looked up and said that sounds great. But maybe I can help you to save a whole lot of time by showing you how to skip the middle bit.
Then a broad Mexican grin of expectation lit up on his face as he asked, “Señor, I have an idea, Do you wanna join me for a sip wine and play guitar with me and my amigos tonight?”
“000”
You might have seen some of these before, but it doesn't hurt to have another laugh!
I thought the first one was a bit racy, but ironically it could be listed as a defacement of plain English because -10 * -5 = 50 so the shades grey is a double negative …lol
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one Cardinal, Mr. Netanyahu wants a golf challenge match to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jews and Catholics. "
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but having never held a golf club in his hand. he asked "Do we have a Cardinal to represent me?".
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play.
After the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have good news and bad news, your Holiness," he said..
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, but this was the best I have ever played. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect, truly miraculous. I felt like I was 30 years old again.”
"And what’s the bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Phil Mickelson.
