Anyone for cards

How come this never happens when I go to a bar for a drink?

Britbar

Fix it ideas for the handyman

Today’s Wisdom Jan 29

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one.
  - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down.
  - Hector Berlioz

Partying is such sweet sorrow.
  - Robert Byrne

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Australian UDI attempt scuttled

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said: “As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

New PS Job interview Technique

A guy goes to  the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer  asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies,  "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you  ever been in the military service?"

 
"Yes,"  he says, "I was in Iraq  for two years."

The interviewer  says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks,  "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,  "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles...

The interviewer  grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire  you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start  tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is  puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.,  why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a  public service government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we  just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you  coming in for that."

BUY MORE GAS!

Recession? What recession?

So, it seems that this "global recession" has not impacted negatively on everyone. Check this out! It's a Mercedes Benz owned by an Abu Dhabi oil billionaire (naturally).

Featuring the newly developed V10 quad turbo with 1,600 horsepower and 2800nm (3796.29012 ft/lb) of torque, it does 0-100km/h ( 62.137 mi/hr.) in less than 2secs, 1/4 mile in 6.89 secs running on biofuel.

That is NOT stainless steel, people, it is WHITE GOLD!

I'll have one please so I can melt it down and help numerous people.

Are you a Believer?

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop...  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Are Texan’s full of Bull?

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
 

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Beware of dirty old men

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.'

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.  Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.  She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds

Northern Lights and Fire Rainbow

Northern Lights and Fire Rainbow over Yellowknife , Canada ..

Don't skip the last picture

THIS NEXT PICTURE, IS A FIRE RAINBOW - THE RAREST OF ALL NATURALLY OCCURRING ATMOSPHERIC PHENOMENA.

THE PICTURE WAS CAPTURED THIS WEEK ON THE IDAHO / WASHINGTON BORDER. THE EVENT LASTED ABOUT 1 HOUR.

CLOUDS HAVE TO BE CIRRUS, AT LEAST 20.000 FEET IN THE AIR, WITH
JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ICE CRYSTALS AND THE SUN HAS TO HIT
THE CLOUDS AT PRECISELY 58 DEGREES.

God's Ceiling

Beautiful sight!