The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. 

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" 
"What is your FIRST request???' 
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."  "What is your SECOND request???" 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. 

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.  And later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,  this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." 
"What is your LAST request ???" 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  alone." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS!!!!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
"BRING POSSE"

Yellow 24

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill The doctor  checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests. A day later the doctor rings him with the results.  'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.  Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320 Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'F##k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment: 

79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Don’t stop laughing when you get old, because it makes you get old.

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ....38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!