Can happen to anyone.

URGENT!

Whoever left his wife at my place after last night’s BBQ, is asked to come and get her ASAP.

It’s not that she is a problem, But it just that mine is coming back tonight….
Cheers

Rectum Stretcher

Well over the speed limit a woman passed over a bridge and got caught by a cop with a radar gun. 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? "  he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs -  $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face?  PRICELESS !!!

 

I think our policy not to repeat a joke must change. I laugh even harder whenever I se this one come up.

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

Dad replied:

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

Modern Technology

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

Dennis at his sublime best - Who was around in 1951 ?