Ever wonder what your flight attendant really thinks of you?

What they'd tell you if they had the nerve? Or weren't afraid of being fired? What deep, dark secrets would they reveal about their jobs?

I have a number of friends who work as flight attendants. One of them recently retired after 20 years flying for the most storied name in commercial aviation, while others work for less glamorous domestic U.S. airlines. I asked them what they'd tell their passengers if they could tell them anything at all, or what secrets they'd reveal only if granted complete anonymity. All I can say is that these people do not represent every single flight attendant in the skies, so if you're a flight attendant yourself, please hold your fire and don't shoot the messenger. But I didn't make this stuff up. What you read here may shock you, or make you laugh, I'm not sure which.

1. You know that coffee you ordered? It's actually decaf even though you asked for regular. We'd rather that you sit back, relax and fall asleep so you don't bother us too much. Our airline sent around a memo wondering why the decaf supplies were going so fast, noting that decaf costs more than regular coffee.

2. When we "arm" the doors on your aircraft, each flight attendant checks the work of his colleague at the opposite door. You've heard it a million times: "arm doors and cross check." Did you hear "crotch check?" It wasn't your imagination. We get silly sometimes. And yes, despite all the cross checking -- maybe because we're checking crotches instead -- once in a great while we screw up and we forget to arm the doors, which means the emergency slides won't automatically deploy if needed in an emergency. We can get fired for that.

3. Our airline used to pay us when we showed up for duty at the airport. That was eons ago. Then we got paid our measly hourly wage when the cabin doors closed. Then it was when the plane's brakes were released. Now we get paid only when the wheels leave the ground ("wheels up" in airline parlance). We don't even get paid when we're taxiing! There can sometimes be hours of delay between the time we show up for work and when we're airborne. Different airlines have different policies, but it's a way for them to save money. So when we greet you at the door, we do that for free. When we serve you your pre-flight drink, we do that for free, too. No wonder our smiles are so fake.

4. If a flight is late, the airline might have to pay us overtime. If the flight is going to be late anyway, we've been known to delay it even further in order make sure overtime kicks in, which on our airline means up to double the hourly pay. We might find some minor defect in the aircraft or use some other ruse to make up for the money we don't get paid waiting for take off.

5. Yes, we can upgrade you to business class or first class after the airplane's doors close. No, we don't do it very often, partly because on some airlines we have to file a report explaining why we did it, partly because there has to be a meal for you and partly because the forward cabins are often full. Who do we upgrade? Not the slob who's dressed in a dirty tank top. It helps if you're extremely nice, well dressed, pregnant, very tall, good looking, one of our friends or all of the above.

6. Please don't take your computer and a newspaper into the lav. It's gross and it means you're going to be occupying it longer than you should.

7. Please don't ask me what we're flying over. I'm as clueless as you are. I am not flying the plane.

8. Please don't do deep knee bends in my galley while I'm trying to work. You won't get deep vein thrombosis on a flight between Houston and Austin.

9. Jiggling your glass of ice at me won't make me dash to the galley for a refill. In fact, it makes me want to scream.

10. When I ask you what you'd like to drink and you ask me "Well, what do you have?" I want to answer "Not a lot of time." But you wouldn't like that.

11. I want to yank your headphones off your head after I've asked you what you want to drink and you've responded "huh?" three times. After the fourth time I just move on or give you a Coke.

12. Yes, we do ask the captain to leave the seatbelt on long after the turbulence has ended so we can serve in the aisles.

13. On night flights, we sometimes hold off on meal service as long as we can so that you'll be asleep and we'll have less to do.

14. All male flight attendants are not gay, even if they might look like they are.

15. We really don't like children. Not just your children, children period. Why do you think we chose a career where we spend half our lives away from home?

16. If you poke me, I'm going to poke you back. Harder!

17. Don't ask me where you can shove your bag. I've been waiting 12 years to tell you where you can shove it.

KULULA Airlie customer service with humour

.WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o--

-
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

 

http://us.mg5.mail.yahoo.com/neo/launch?.rand=3e0vv13n5ntbn

Humour only South Africans will appreciate

On board a Zooma African Airways (ZAA) flight from Soweto to Kayelitsha . . . Stewardess: “What would you like to drink, sir?” Passenger: “Do you have dry white wine?” Stewardess: “Sorry, sir, we only have wet white wine. What else would you like to drink?” Passenger: “Can I have a Grand Cru?” Stewardess: “Sorry, sir, but the ground crew they don't fly. What else would you like?” Passenger: “Do you have any Bols [brandy]?” Stewardess: “No, sir, but the captain has. What else can I offer you?” Passenger: “Can I have a Captain Morgan?” Stewardess: “Sorry, sir, the captain is captain Tshabalala, but he is flying the plane right now. What else would you like to drink?” Passenger: “Just give me some coffee.” Stewardess: “How would you like it, sir?” Passenger: “Decaffeinated, please . . .”

Big Boys Toys

First there was this gun...

It was developed by General Electric, the "We bring good things to life" people.  
Someone said, "Let's put it in an airplane..better still, and lets build an airplane around it."


They made it so it was very good at flying low and slow.
But since it did fly low and slow, they made it bulletproof, or almost so. A lot of bad guys have found you can shoot an A10 with anything from a pistol to a 23mm Soviet cannon and it just keeps on flying and shooting.
When they got through, it looked like this...

It's not sleek and sexy like an F18 or the stealthy Raptors and such, but it's such a great airplane because it does what it does better than any other plane in the world.
It kills tanks.

See those engines. One of them alone will fly this puppy. The pilot sits in a very thick titanium alloy "bathtub."
They were smart enough to make every part the same whether mounted on the left side or right side of the plane, like landing gear, for instance.
Because the engines are mounted so high (away from ground debris) and the landing gear uses such low pressure tires, it can operate from a damaged airport, interstate highway, plowed field, or dirt road..
Everything is redundant. They have two of almost everything. Sometimes they have three of something. Like flight controls. There's triple redundancy of those,  and even if there is a total failure of the double hydraulic system, there is a set of manual flying controls.

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers

An award should go to the USair gate attendant in Fort Walton Beach, Florida,  for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was canceled after USAir's 900am flight had been withdrawn from service.

A single gate agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.  Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

ONLY 4 TICKETS LEFT

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel)  Event at the Ford  Center next weekend  in Glendale AZ., if anybody wants them. Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer. Should be a good show.

Come up and see me sometime

...conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . 

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' 
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' 
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' 
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.  Send 'em up, I'll wait!' 
Air Defense Site: ( .... total silence)

Afghanistan Terrorist School

 

New Rules For Mile High Club

The State of the Forces today .... well it had to happen I suppose

---

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith

Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We no longer call it the cockpit'
'It's the Box Office.'

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Pilots License from a Kellogg's Cereal Box

Image via Wikipedia

This story has been around for a while about one of those  embarrassing moments any of us may find ourselves in. Anyone who fly's a new Airbus 340-600 that is!!

For someone who has trouble even playing with the flight simulator game on my computer, I can related to what may have happened here. And I an not surprised this test crew involved  found the job a bit awkward.

I am also so glad they could afford the mistake.

Here is the story:

An Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) flight crew on November 15, 2007 conducted pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi. The ADAT crew taxied to the run-up area. Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft.

This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sits just outside it's hangar in Toulouse, France,  without a single hour of airtime on the clock....

The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.

Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really is.

The take-off warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had All 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc.)

Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.

The computers automatically released all the brakes -...and set the aircraft rocketing forward and ........... oops

The crew did not know this is a safety features that pilots can't land with the brakes on. 

so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it.

The extent of injuries to the crew is was not known as the news was was not made too public.

But finally, the photos started to leak out.

That the £200 million aircraft went to the the wall.

The secret is safe as I told al my email friends not to tell anyone

Flight 160

Family present for my Birthday.
Movie: http://www.woodlandcreative.com/family/dadflight.html

Stills : Still Editing