Treatment fro a Black Eye

I didn't know this!  

For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat.

Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket , while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin.

These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage because the bruising isn't compounded by thermal shock.

Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:

Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.

Caution:  This method may cause swelling in other areas.

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said : "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce : "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names : Brandy and Sherry.

You even called the cat, "Whisky". He then turned to the fourth Mum June : "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered : "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

Masculine Moments

Masculine Moments

Bikers

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop.

Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up–bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head,

another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over.

The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.

“That truck driver sure ain’t much of a fighter,” sneered one of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, “He doesn’t seem to be much of a truck driver, either.

He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles.”

PAM AYRES - My Sat Nav

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.