Upside out

TO ALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS .. I'M SO GLAD I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS!
   The correct way to weigh yourself:

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
WE MUST SPREAD THE WORD.

Wants to Keep It

Hillbilly, Herman James, was drafted by the Army, and on  the first day as an enlisted man, he was given a comb. The following  day, the Army barber sheared all of his hair off. On the third day, the Army gave him a toothbrush. The next day, the  Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out. On the fifth day, he was given a jock strap. That afternoon, Herman  disappeared, and the Army is still looking for him.

Mathematics of achievement

Thought this would make your day!
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint......it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

`~0~

But hang  on a  bit , Maybe I need a lesson in math. 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 is more than 118.  i just wonder if that is why the demand for ass licking is high being so cheap.

This should be posted in every school.

Love  him or hate him, he hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a  speech at a High School about 11  things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about  how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation  of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them  up for failure in the real world. Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get  used to it! Rule 2 : The world doesn't care  about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to  accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4 : If you think your teacher  is tough, wait till you get a boss Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not  beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault , so  don't whine about your mistakes, learn from  them. Rule 7 : Before you were born, your  parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try  delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some  schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't  bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real  life Rule 9 : Life is not divided into  semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. Rule 10 : Television is NOT real  life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop  and go to jobs. Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances  are you'll end up working for one.

Note sure if this it is true that Bill gates said this but the message is a good one.

The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?  Well, they're gone'.

'No more  headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife  replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in  front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,

' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

And it  worked! The headaches are gone.

That is  wonderful proclaims the husband.

His wife then  says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? 'Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.. He puts her on the bed and says,  'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into  the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and  makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't  move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and
round two was even better than the first time.

The wife  sits up and her head is spinning
'OH MY GOD' She proclaims.

Her  husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he  goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him  and there in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and  saying,

'She's not my wife'
'She's not my wife'
'She's not my wife'
'She's not my wife'

........His funeral service will be  held on Saturday.