Dalai Lama Miracles Encounter

An Australian, Irishman and Englishman were sitting in a pub. There was only one other patron, a man in orange robes.
They luckless trio stared and stared at him, until suddenly the Irishman cried out  'Hey! You!!! Are you the Dalai Lama?'

The man smiles and nods his head. ‘Yes, I am' he says. The  Irishman then calls the bartender to send him over a pint of Guinness. The Dalai Lama , raises the glass, with a smiles that says thank you.

The Englishman then beckons the bartender to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale. As before, he accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

The Australian is mighty impressed and not to be outdone sends over Pot of Victoria Bitter which the Lama, accepts with pleasure. After finishing the drinks, the Dalai Lama approaches the three men. 

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh my Gosh, the arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Then after shaking Englishman’s hand and thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. the Englishman's eyes widen as he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is gone. It's a Miracle!'

The Dalai Lama then turns to the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie ignores his extended hand and whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Compo'

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Statements to make you smile

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many. 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
Procrastinate Now!
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

...."Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."

Are my testicles black?

A hospital patient, with an oxygen mask wakes to find a student nurse giving him a sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

A little taken hack  the young nurse replies, "Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate worrying about his testicles, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and examines his testicles with the other.

There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles and says very slowly, "Thank you, that was wonderful. but  what I was asking was: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

Lexophiliats walk among us

Did you know a  Lexophilia  is a word (yes you can add it to your dictionary)

It is used to describe those of us who love twisting words,

such as

"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.  OR

“To write with a broken pencil is pointless ."

A competition to find the the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are this year's finalist submissions.

• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A will is a dead giveaway
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the winner of the twisted crop:

              "The Local Area Network in Australia is “The LAN down under”.

Capitalization

From the English teacher -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse." Is everybody clear on that?