Image by Stephen Poff via Flickr
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
- Jay Leno
Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.
- Hesketh Pearson
The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.
- Doug Larson
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
This is a long one but worth it!
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Dick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day the brave Richard or Dick to his mates revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Dick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Dick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Dick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Dick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Dick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Dick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Dick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Dick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Dick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh, told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the front of the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Dick...
This was sent to me by my Newfie mate Maz who just said OMG???!!!
Thanks to Lynda Veran formerly from NZ and now in QLD somewhere the collection is growing well.
| Scenario: Jack goes rabbit shooting before school and pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. | |
| 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns. | 2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his Ute or gun again.. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. |
| Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. | |
| 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. | 2007 - Police called arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs. |
| Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class disrupts other students. | |
| 1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. | 2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability. |
| Scenario: Billy breaks a neighbor's car window and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. | |
| 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. | 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. |
| Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. | |
| 1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. | 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. |
| Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. | |
| 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. | 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching. English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. |
| Scenario:Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bull ant nest. | |
| 1957 - Ants die. | 2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. |
| Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. | |
| 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. | 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. |
