Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma. "

Just in case you’re planning to do a little Cooking... Two different views!!!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. Buy mashed potato mix. Keeps in the cupboard for up to a year. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.  Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you! Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. Celery? Never heard of it!   Cure for headaches: take a lime,  cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away! Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.   Left over wine???????  HELLO!!!!!! Lastly, if you don't forward this to one of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

Because you are older doesn't mean your are wiser

Old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next”

So I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

Lost wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height ?  Husband:-I never checked.

Inspector :-Slim or healthy ?. Husband:-Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector :-Color of eyes ? Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Color of hair ? Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing? Husband :Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving? Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-tell me the number,name & color of the car ? . . . . .Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.

She made a monkey out of me

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Leave them something to remember you by!

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.”

The confused artist said: “But you’re not wearing any of those things.”

“I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband, I’m sure my husband will remarry, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

Is it ever too late to repay a debt?

Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in. While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

As the robbers made their way down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant. "What's this?" said the second accountant without looking down.

His colleague replied: "It's that $100 I owe you."

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show: Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.< /font>

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,"said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotised.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

“SHIT!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre and Claude was never invited there again

The Value of Proofreading

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, ' We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. '

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that
hasn't ' been opened for hundreds of years...
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot..

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'We missed theR!
We missed the R!
We missed the R! '

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, ' What ' s wrong, Father? '
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

' The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!

Brains of elderly

I got this from Maz Garnet my co conspirator on this blog. Maz lives in Newfoundland (yes that place in Canada with its very own time-zone).and she saved this up as a good cheers message for my Birthday yesterday. And wow she succeeded.

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Elderly people have so much information in their brain that it takes longer for them to access it, scientists believe

By Sarah Knapton, Science Correspondent

5:16PM GMT 20 Jan 2014

Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so too do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.

“The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar, “but only because we have stored more information over time

“The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”

SO  THERE!!    We Are All Brilliant!

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BTW MAZ I Looked up Sarah Knapton Science Correspondent at The Telegraph, email Telegraph.co.uksarah.knapton@telegraph.co.uk  and found her original authentic article . http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/10584927/Brains-of-elderly-slow-because-they-know-so-much.html

She also has over 4 million followers on twitter so she must know her stuff ..

MALAYSIAN AIRLINES AD FROM 2 YEARS AGO (such FORESIGHT)

This item has been removed as it was in poor taste and potentially offended my Malaysian friends and all the families and friends of the perished. ….Sincerest apologies

Wetherspoons in Billericay

A group of mates , all aged 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was decided they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts.
Ten years later at the age of 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had easy access to the toilets.

Ten years later at the age of 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because they had never been there before.

Windows vs Ford

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Mr Gates comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7....... The airbag system would ask,"Are you sure?" before deploying.
8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

Advice for an older guy at the gym....

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ....

I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said;

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."