Who's kidding who?

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare check.

He marched up to the counter and said: "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare, I really do. I love to work and would really rather have a job. I just don't like taking advantage of the system...getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said: You're timing is excellent and you're in luck. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive her around in his 2013 Cadillac XTS and the girl's father will supply
all of your clothes and other needs.

Because of the long hours, even meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

And, while this is bit awkward to say, you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, his eyes and mouth wide open, said: "You're bullshitting' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well...you started it."

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life

Remember , as You Slide Down that 'Banister of Life' You'd Better Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

 

 

 

 

Thought for the day:

Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind... and those that mind ...don't matter!

I LOVE MY JOB

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.  Needless to say, she won.  Read his letter below... Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.This time of year the water is quite cool.So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.  Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'  Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!! Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

A practical example of how the human mind works.

Analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think.

• For young men, it's a picture of a young lady with a nice derriere but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.
• The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.
• For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman - with a fairly large ass - probably on her way to work.
• Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that he shared it.
• For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
• The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse
• Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's curves will cause by the time she reaches 50.
• But only children, the extremely intelligent, and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog

Surgeons conference

At a conference fives surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients.

The first, from New York, says, 'I like accountants. When you open them, everything is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, you should try electricians! Everything is colour coded.'

The Los Angeles surgeon, , says, I think librarians are the best, because everything is alphabetical.'

The Dallas surgeon chimes in: Construction workers understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth, Washington, DC surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: “Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

A Senior Moment ! A situation calling for restraint!

                Look again-- two, three times!   
           Have a laugh!!   These are .................
                    the backs of the bar stools..

A few Friday quickies to end the week with a laugh

_____________________________________________________ How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. __________________________________________________________ What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody there except you. __________________________________________________________ What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. __________________________________________________________ What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. __________________________________________________________ What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ___________________________________________________________ What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. ___________________________________________________________ What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic. ___________________________________________________________ Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. ___________________________________________________________ Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? The one who can eat the last donut. ___________________________________________________________ Jewish dilemma: Free PORK. ___________________________________________________________ Three words men hate to hear most during sex: 'Are you in?' ___________________________________________________________ Three words women hate to hear most during sex: 'Honey, I'm home!'

What does a female Terrorist's Pussy look like

Oh, come on!  What were you thinking? =

LORD, THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER!

Well, this is a new spin on the afterlife! … Dolly married Ted and had 13 children. Then Ted died of cancer. She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Then Bob was killed in a car accident. Dolly again remarried, and she had 5 more children with John. Eventually, after bearing 25 children, Dolly died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

FAIL FAIL FAIL

I don't care how long you've been teaching yoga, you take your hands away NOW !

Would you not prefer the middle seat, Sir ?









What ? this is NOT women's soccer ?No Darling, we'll explain about the cake on the right later.





Taking my girl for a ride ....
Yes, we have a fully secured parking !






Human warmth ....

Now that we're all here, photo ?





What ? .. a man can't have a hobby ?



Yeah, so what ? I'm tired, O.K. ?

It's all about first impressions

Trimming ? what do you mean ?





I don't care, I think it's really sexy !
Yuk!




No, I am NOT bald !


The guy next to the Queen is priceless

Some rare History Photos that can get lost again in the jokes blog.

Incredible Photos From History

Last four couples standing in a Chicago dance marathon. ca. 1930.

Three Princeton students pose after the Freshman, Sophomore snowball fight. 1893. Princeton , NJ .

"Get the hell out of my race and give me those numbers." After realizing a woman was running Boston marathon organizer Jock Semple went after Kathrine Switzer. Other runners blocked him and she went on to finish the race. 1967.

The only known photograph of an African American Union soldier with his family. c1863-65

Russian peasants getting electricity for the first time in 1920

Johnny Cash performing for prisoners at Folsom Prison – Jan. 13th 1968

Cow shoes used by Moonshiners in the Prohibition days to disguise their footprints, 1922

"The Long Walk" British Army EOD Tech approaches a suspect device – Date Unknown

Tereska, a child in a residence for disturbed children, grew up in a concentration camp. She drew a picture of "home" on the blackboard, Poland , 1948

A Native American looks down at a newly-completed section of the transcontinental railroad. Nevada , about 1868

Microsoft staff photo from December 7, 1978

Jewish refugees, approaching allied soldiers, become aware that they have just been liberated, April, 1945

New York man reads a newspaper, headline reads "Nazi Army Now 75 Miles From Paris ." May 18, 1940

Three archers, Japan , ca.1860-1900

The earliest known photograph of men drinking beer. Edinburgh Ale, 1844

Alerted by the smell of a broken bottle of liquor, Federal Agents inspect a "lumber truck". Los Angeles , 1926

Martin Luther King Jr removing a burned cross from his front yard with his son at his side. Atlanta Ga 1960

A Japanese family returning home ( Seattle , Washington ) from a relocation center camp in Hunt, Idaho on May 10, 1945

9 kings featured in one photo (Windsor Castle, 20 May 1910)

Louis Armstrong plays for his wife in front of the Sphinx by the pyramids in Giza, 1961

The headquarters of Benito Mussolini and the Italian Fascist party in Italy , 1934

The Kennedy trio in the mid 30s as teenagers; John, Bobby and Teddy

The first official riders in New York City ’s first subway, 1904