Bill Clinton’s Daily Jog

Bill Clinton recently started a daily jogging routine near his home and on the same street corner each day he had to jog past a hooker standing there.

At first he would brace himself as she would cry out from the curb. "Fifty dollars!"

This ritual changed when one day Bill decided to take the offensive and began to call back "No, Five dollars!"

When Hillary retired as the secretary of state, she decided to accompany Bill.

As they neared the problematic street corner, Bill worried what Hilary would think he'd really been doing when the pro barked her $50 offer

Sure enough, the hooker was there, but this time, she yelled, "See what you get for five bucks!?"

~000~

The Drover

A  drover, who just moved to Queensland  from Victoria walks  into a bar and orders 3 glasses of  XXXX.
He  sits in the back of the room, drinking  a sip out of each one in  turn.
When  he finishes them, he  comes back to the bar and orders three more. 
The bartender approaches and tells the  drover,
"You  know, a glass goes flat after I draw it.   It  would taste better if  you bought one at a time."
The cattleman  replies,

"Well, you see, I have two  brothers.
One's  in 'Tassie' , the other one's a 'sand groper'.  (lives in West Aust)
When  we all left our home in Echuca', we  promised that we'd drink this  way
to  remember the days when we drank together.   So  I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers  and  one for myself."

The bartender admits that  this is a nice custom and  leaves it there.
The drover becomes a  regular in the bar and  always drinks the same  way.
He  orders three mugs and drinks them in  turn.

One  day, he comes in and only orders two  mugs.
All  the regulars take notice and fall  silent.
When  he comes back to the bar for the second round,  the  bartender says,

"I  don't want to intrude on your grief,  but  I wanted to offer my condolences  on your loss."

The drover looks quite  puzzled for a moment, then  a light dawns in his eyes and  he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"  he explains.
"It's  just that my wife and I joined the Salvation  Army and  I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my  brothers  though.".

High School Girls Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. A reunion website reunites them for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives, wearing beige Versace and orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue then arrives, in gray Chanel and ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine, several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

(Sounds like they went to Mildura High School)

A Jim and Irene best of the best

Jim and Irene  are flying to Australia for a two-month vacation.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Uur engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land.

However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
 
An hour later Jim turns to his wife and asks, "Irene, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"

“No, sweetheart," she responds.

Jim, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Irene, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry Jim . I forgot to send that cheque too,” she says.

"One last thing Irene. Did you remember to send the installment cheque for Income Tax this month?"
 
"Oh, forgive me, Jim," begged Irene. "I didn't send that one, either."
 
Jim grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Irene pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Jim answers “They’ll find us!”

The Frenchman, The Scotsman and the Irishman

Three dead bodies turn up at a  mortuary all with very big smiles on Their faces and the police  call on the coroner to investigate.

"This first body," says the  coroner, is "Pierre Dubois, a Frenchman, aged 60, who died of heart failure  while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence  the Smile,'

The second is Gregory  Campbell, Scotsman, 25, who after he won £50,000 on the Lottery, spent it  all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, Hence the Smile.”

The Police Inspector then asked, '"So what about this  third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most  unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish and aged 30, was struck by  lightning."

"Why the broad grin,?" inquires the  Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture  taken".