Modern Technology

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

Dennis at his sublime best - Who was around in 1951 ?

Double En Denture

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

Right answer but to a different question

A business owner was confused about an invoice, so he called his secretary in to help.

You graduated from University. If I were to give you $20,000, less 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Alaskan Tale (where life is tough and humor is dark)

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers...

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?

"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25-pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Old Testament computing....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. was often called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." ( Now the United Parcels Service.)

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,

Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK)

that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

Believe it or not 

New PM job for me soon

It just learned I will have a new job soon. Here is a late breaking TV News Story about my run for Prime Minster of Australia against Tony Abbott and Kevin Rudd.

As the other candidates are so pathetic my friends endorsed me to make the sacrifice.

It may not be not the best job in the world, bit it does pay well and the perks are good.

I now have my cronies working out some policies and I am doing a spin doctor course. I am also brushing up on my Mandarin and checking out the latest junket trends

Here is the latest!!