Blond Man Jokes

It seems tables have turned with blonde MAN jokes here now .

A blonde in the bathroom hears his wife call out: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."  The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he swerves to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over. He tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
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A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks."Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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(This one actually makes sense.)  An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." 
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." 

(hmm I wonder if some of these men were Irish before they became blond)

Bought vs Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

Billy’s Dad

At a London school a teacher asked all the class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out –  fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc. .etc..

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his  Dad.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep  with him. “

The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took  Billy aside to ask him was that really true.

   “No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was too  embarrassed to say”.

Annual Nymphomaniacs Convention

A man boarded an plane and took his seat.  As he settled in he saw a most beautiful woman heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard and struggling to maintain his composure asked, "What's your role at the convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

That’s ok “my name is , "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Pearls before Swine

Tony Abbott asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Abbott then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"


"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch this"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mummy?"

The Queen smiled and said,

"Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered

"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Tony Abbott went back home to Australia by Qantas

He  decided to ask Joe Hockey the same question.
"Joe, answer this for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Hockey.

"Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Hockey went to the toilet, and found Clive Palmer there.

Joe Hockey went up to him and asked,

"Hey Clive, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Joe."
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Clive Palmer answered,

"That's easy, it's me!"

Joe Hockey grinned, and said,

"Good answer Clive, I see it all now!"
Joe Hockey then, went back to find Tony Abbott.
"Tony, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Clive Palmer"
Tony Abbott got up, stomped over to Joe Hockey, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"