The New Zealand Press...

A guy is at  Auckland zoo with his kids when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's  cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to  pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 
The guy runs toward the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a  powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of  the girl, and the guy brings her to her terrified parents who thank him  endlessly.
Nicky Hager, also at the zoo visiting his family (the simians)  has watched the whole event. Hager addresses the guy , 'Sir,  this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen in my life.'
The guy replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind  bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' 
Nicky Hager says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a  journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front  page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do  you have?'
The guy is embarrassed but replies, 'I'm an SAS grunt just  returned from Afghanistan and a National party supporter'
Nicky Hager  notes all this down then leaves.
The following morning the guy  buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front  page:

SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS  AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
And that my friends, pretty  much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Disability Pension Pending

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

Ouch .. not a gain !!!!

 

 

Ok only one more tomorrow and we are done with “That’s when the Fight started “ Jokes

Recovering and Soon out of Hospital

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Old Boyfriend Turns Up

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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Racy Lady

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

"Dust."I said, and I guess I was lucky because she just laughed ...

Then she countered with a hint about what she wanted for anniversary the next day.

"Darling I would like something shiny that goes from 0 to 120 in less than 5 seconds."

So next morning I got up early and went out and bought her a set of bathroom scales.

That’s when the fight started......

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