My Dog

I went down this morning to sign up my dog for unemployment benefit. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw unemployment". So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no friggin’ clue who his father is. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first cheque on Friday! Damn this is a great country.

Mixed Emotions

Bob and Lynda were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".  Bob turned to Lynda and said, " that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." LYNDA said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Reasons to like Beer (by 7 year olds

A handful of 7-year-old children were asked, "What they thought of beer." Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching. "

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets." Tim, 7 years old  "

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. "

Melanie, 7 years old  "My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."Grady, 7 years old  "

My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing." Toby, 7 years old 

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he should not have too much. Sarah, 7 years old 

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool." Lilly, 7 years old  "

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting." Ethan, 7 years old  "

I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep." Shirley, 7 years old  "

My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense." Jack, 7 years old.

Aussie trucker and the Emu

An Aussie truckle walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The Truckie says , 'A hamburger, chips,' and he turns to the Emu and says 'What's yours?' The Emu says: 'Sounds great, I'll have the  same,'

Soon the waitress brings the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and the Truckie pulls out the exact change and pays.

Next day, the Truckie and emu come and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke and the emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the truckie pays with exact change. This becomes routine as the waitress always says “The usual? as they come in.'

But on Friday night, the Truckie says no so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. Same for me,' says the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again exact is places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'  

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'  

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'  

The truckie pauses and sighs, before he and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

What’s for dinner darling

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s’ voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love?  Chicken,beef or lamb?" 

I said,"Thank you, I'll have chicken." She replied"You're having soup, arsehole. I was talking to the cat."