Going for Gold

This is why I didn't make the Olympics squad...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16mh4GqnNko

Simple home remedies

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat - use the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
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Rs

The Last Argument

OK Honey, we're here!, You can come out now.

Cannon Balls

DID YOU KNOW THIS ? I DIDN'T

On old war ships it was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon .

But preventing them from rolling about the deck was a problem.

A storage method was devised to stack them pyramid fashion on a square base plate with 16 symetical holes. This meant a ball ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen allowed a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

The metal base plate was called a Monkey, for reasons unknown, was made of brass so the iron, the iron balls would not rust to it. - hence, it bcame knwn as a Brass Monkeys.

As you know brass contracts much faster than iron when chilled. On early designs of monkey plates were not thick enough, so consequently it was found that when the temperature dropped too much, the brass and holes would shrink so much the iron cannon balls would just come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off the brass monkey.

And all this time, you thought it was a about some poor defensless animal used as "painful eyes watering" ,male anaotmy metaphor, to describe the power of a cutting chill that can dismember even the cherished member from a brass statue if this poor creature, ... didn't you eh?

Now isn't this just a fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few your uneducated friends.

Navy Retirement Bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.

The medical officer instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em', . The medical officer then placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam. '